marriage

my problem with and aversion to marriage is its assumption and promise of permanence which contradicts some core beliefs for me. does this mean i shouldn't marry and shouldn't believe in it?
i know it means my vows will include nothing of undying love and the inability to go on without the other person.

...to me, throughout a person's life, they are learning, changing, and growing. priorities change, needs change, so why shouldn't it stand that attraction and desires change? if the idea of marriage is that it is somehow beautiful to pledge that you won't change, then i could never be on board with that. if it is the idea that even if i change or you change and one of us wants other things, we will stand by each other because we promised, thats no good either; that sounds like prison! whats beautiful about such blind loyalty? i just don't see it. if you want something or someone else, if that can make you happier, then i love you and want you to have that! and how can i say now what i'll want for the rest of my life now? or ok, maybe i'm not ready to say that now, but i don't to ever be able to say i've got it all figured out... and how can i expect someone else to? i don't want to keep you bonded to me just because *i* still love *you* if you would be happier elsewhere.

do your questions get answered and then you know you found the right person? i know some people never question, and just get married. but some people do, and still get married...do they just suspend their concerns and hope for the best? i mean thats the idea...you go into marriage thinking it will work or why would you, right? but the way I live my life is always to leave room for uncertainty, never assuming the permanence of anything, because all things are transient. if I leave room for this kind of freedom, it mutually excludes faith in the permanence of my vows and implies that i think marriage could fail and love could end. so it seems contradictory for me to ever marry. is marriage just two people saying "right now, it seems as though there is and will be no one better for me so I can commit to you for now?" still a beautiful thing, still something rare to think that you've found 100% of what you want in another person, that you can no longer say "maybe there is something better out there..." I suppose, but I feel as though marriage should somehow be more certain than that, more sacred.

maybe the idea is finding the person you are most likely to change and grow the most correspondingly with? the idea that you are most likely to develop the same dreams, have your lives go in the same direction, so its safe to go together? but then what is that? that sounds like picking the best odds of success, or picking the safe road or something... that sounds like finding who things are most convenient with or something, not real love in all cases, just what will work? or is that how love continues to grow...when you both grow together in the same garden, under the same sun, two independently standing and different flowers?

maybe, the thing that ensures longevity and potential permanence in the marriage is the idea that you allow, encourage and understand growth and change in the other person, but to find the kind of person who really lives truthfully to this is nearly impossible. but who wants to know of permanence anyway? certainty breeds taking each other for granted which is the seed of discontent and the beginning of the end in love, since one of its most important ingredients, along with honest and communication, is appreciation. notice i didn't say trust...trust is contingent upon honesty. i'm not going to blindly trust you because I'm married to you, you have to keep building cred by always being honest, whether it hurts me or not, half the healing to that pain will be the fact that you were honest and that i could trust you and that you feel safe that i am understanding enough that you CAN be honest.

my conclusion, just realizing, after valuable, thought provoking conversation, is that the answer is simply like the answer to all else...freedom and happiness first, and love will follow. and because I choose and make my reality what I want it to be, my marriage, if there ever is one, can be lived by the same rules as my relationships...love until the happiness and freedom are no more...then set each other free to go find it however you can.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each others cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous but let each one of you be alone.
Even as the strings of the lute are alone but they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts but not into each others keeping
For only the hand of life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each others shadow
-Kahlil Gibran