in five years, i see myself five years older...

...don't get freaked out by the pure light within you
no, don't let it freak you out
just go with it
because if you don't go with it
it will just take you where it wants to be
which is cool too, if you have the time

-chris robinson

as i start to turn my gaze toward graduation in May, the questions are cropping up again. no longer am i free to flow into something (new place to live, new job, new program of study) because first i must flow out. and for some reason, this means i must know the direction of my flow. or so they say.

'where do you see yourself in 5 years?' and 'what are your career goals?' seem to come up every day, and its silly really. talking to a friend last night, he had a great answer, 'i have no plans to stay and i have no plans to leave.' having no plans is what it should be all about. because once you think you have it all figured out, you are just asking to be proven wrong. in any situation. plans, while some people need the security of knowing WHERE they are going, are mostly limiting. what if my friend had plans to leave and a month before doing so, he is faced with a great opportunity? likely he will not view the same opportunity in the same light because he's 'on his way out,' likely the opportunity may not have presented itself to begin with because he's been busy planning his exit and looking to the future, no longer cultivating the same friendships, community bonds, and work bonds, no longer rooting himself to this place.

And anyway, why and for what/who do you need a plan? I suppose if you are looking to make a real impact on the world, make some kind of change that matters, then yes you need a plan, but most of us are just trying to live. So for most of us, what does a plan give us besides a sense, albeit inflated, of importance, a sense of meaning to our lives. But when you get there, to this end point in your goal, do you feel fulfilled? Maybe but I bet its so short lived because it that is how you see the world, you are already onto the next goal, already thinking about the future, never there in the present really enjoying what in reality is all we have, the now.

and while i feel uprooted and in limbo lately, i know it just means i'm staying OPEN to all the possibilities.

its like relationships and marriage...they represent plans as well. plans for a future, plans to stay loyal to this person. once you are in that spot, do you go out as often and meet new people? lets say you do, even...do you approach the new people you meet with the same openness, curiosity, sense of 'what if' and possibility? most people do not. and so you've closed yourself off to possibility. and i'm not saying possibility of meeting another mate, although that IS there, but even just the possibility of an intimate friendship, a deep rewarding bond, but now instead, there are social conventions blocking you from getting to know that person on such a level because it may be perceived the wrong way by your mate, their mate, outside parties, etc. And you assume they have nothing much to offer you since you've already found that 'person for you.' we're so inhibited by our plans and our decisions that we *think* are carved out, set in stone. burn your carvings. throw that stone into the ocean and watch it change form.
stay open.

plans usually limit you because plans are made by you; creations of only what you can imagine, and while some may dare to dream, most of us live in the realm of practicality and likelihood because its safer. you can't imagine something greater, something outside yourself, you don't imagine there are others as enlightening as those people that you've met and know at that moment. and you plan on a narrow foundation. not planning allows you to be open to a wider scope of probabilities, to all those things you thought could never happen, but somehow do (usually right around or after the time you think you've got it all figured out).

there's a quote on my wall that says 'dwell in possibility' and it doesn't mean to always be wanting something else or always be thinking about the future. at least not to me, to me it says, be open, be aware, that it is possible for anything to change at any time, for new doors to open, for old doors you thought would never shut to now be locked, you just never know.

love,

aimless peacock

Weekend retreat in Edgewood

House sitting for Cari, Glenn, and Anni...

This is Jesse...

This is their awesome, relaxing back deck...
This is the front porch. Sisco posed so nicely for me...
This is the cute little path they built, complete with a fountain/watering hole for the dogs...
This morning I took a wandering drive towards those mountains, following dirt roads to their end. This is the view Cari and Glenn get to see every morning when they drive down towards Rt. 40 to go to UNM. The picture doesn't do it justice at all. I plan to bring people up this way when they come to visit me just because the drive is gorgeous, and you really can see forever, it seems.

This is the front porch, complete with my two new buddies: Riley, the yellow lab, and Sisco, the lab/husky mix...Riley is the sweetest and follows me everywhere. I feel very safe here alone with these two guys keeping watch...

This is the sunset Mel and I saw the other day. She took this shot while I drove. It was magnificent. THIS is the New Mexico I came here for. THIS is the inspiring horizon that harmonizes with my soul, that resonates and satisfies my need to feel free. Its so peaceful and quiet here, far from the highway, far from malls and shopping, far from any hustle or bustle, a place to really slow life down and enjoy it to the fullest.

The Dying Animal by Philip Roth

What a great read. Great movie too (Elegy)

From, The Dying Animal

The main character's son, a college senior, gets a classmate pregnant, and goes to his father for advice....his father's reply:

"I reminded him that nobody could make him do what he didn't want to do. I said what I wished some forceful man had said to me when I was on the brink of making my mistake. I said, 'Living in a country like ours, whose key documents are all about emancipation, all directed at guaranteeing individual liberty, living in a free system that is basically indifferent to how you behave as long as the behavior is lawful, the misery that comes your way is most likely to be self-generated. It would be another matter if you were living in Nazi-occupied Europe or in Communist-dominated Europe or in Mae Zedong's China. There they manufacture the misery for you; you don't have to take a single wrong step in order never to want to get up in the morning. But here, free of totalitarianism, a man like you has to provide himself his own misery. You, moreover, are intelligent, articulate, good-looking, well educated--you are made to thrive in a country like this one. Here the only tyrant lying in wait will be convention, which is not to be taken lightly either. Read Tocqueville, if you haven't yet. He's not outdated, not on the subject of 'men being forced through the same sieve.' The point is that you shouldn't think that you miraculously have to become a beatnik or a bohemian or a hippie to elude the the trammels of convention. Successfully doing so doesn't require exaggerations of conduct or oddities of dress that are alien to your temperament and your upbringing. Not at all. All you have to do, Ken, is to find your force. You have it, I know you have it--it is immobilized only by the newness of the predicament. If you want to live intelligently beyond the blackmail of the slogans and the unexamined rules, you have only to find your own...' Et cetera, et cetera. The Declaration of Independence. The Bill of Rights. The Gettysburg Address. The Emancipation Proclamation. The Fourteenth Amendment. All three of the Civil War amendments...

I know all the objections that a pure and moral young man can give to claiming personal sovereignty. I know all the admirable labels to attach to not asserting one's sovereignty. Well, Kenny's difficulty is that he must be admirable whatever the cost. He lives in fear of a woman telling him he's not. "Selfish" is the word that cripples him. You selfish bastard. He's terrified of that judgment, so that's the judgment that rules."

Ryan Holiday's food for thought...

"Here's the thing, I could make that all into some dramatic story - like it was this harrowing experience that stays with me - but to be frank, I have almost no recollection of that time...Narration conveniently ignores the day we laid around and watched tv and the week where we were sure we were going to quit but didn't. It's just not honest...We are wired to think a certain way - linearly, towards purpose, in terms of justification..I don't think it's a fight you can win on your own - it takes people on both sides, cynical and optimistic to keep you centered."


please click and read and THINK.

plan?

Plan:"A detailed proposal" for achievement, "decided on and arranged for in advance."

Both a noun and a verb.  To have a plan to plan.

Take an action to

Make an action.

Moving forward always.

For some its enough to have any plan.

For some it must be one of their own, 

not decided or influenced by their parents or significant other.

For others its too much to even think of a plan, let alone have one.

For me, purpose exists without plan.

Some of the best things in my life have happened to me

When things didn't go as planned

Or when there was no plan for it to happen

For some, plan exists without purpose.

For comfort, to have an answer when asked.

I need not answer to anyone but myself, this I know.

But right now, my self is asking, "What's your plan?"

My purposeless intentions

May need to be questioned

Will staying open

end up slamming doors?

"Once you attain a certain state, life gives you another goal.  The horizon goes on and on running in front of you, you never reach it, you are always on the way--always reaching, just reaching.  And if you understand that, then the whole tension of the mind disappears, because the tension is to seek a goal, to arrive somewhere...Life is not stagnant--it is flowing and flowing, and there is no other shore.  Once you understand this you start enjoying the journey itself.  Each step is a goal, and there is no goal...Then there is no tension because there is nowhere to go, so you cannot go astray."

-Osho

speechless...

...twice in one night...

The winning answer

What an (actually) significant moment to win a game of Cranium by having the male friend in my life who represents the Cowardly Lion in my Dorothy/Oz paralleled life have to guess the answer of 'Cowardly Lion.' I've always admired the courage he has always to be his own person, a man better than average, traveling off the beaten path, marching to his own drummer, inspiring me to attempt the same. And just as in the Wizard of Oz, this has always existed inside of him, like it did in the Lion, without the confirmation and justification of others (the Wizard).

what if i lose happy

So its times like these when i hope no one really reads this. yes i know people do, but when my thoughts keep me awake, and there is no one in particular to talk to, writing here means the world is there listening to me, instead of just my computer or notebook of paper. and when i say world, i don't even mean all the particular individuals that compose the world. i mean it in the sense of mother earth, or simply the living breathing organism that is the internet, more just the collective rather than some sort of scary 'i hope someone, anyone reads this'...just the world as a whole...a personification.

i'm just wondering about happy. i am and have been for quite some time now. i think, somewhat irrationally perhaps but at 4am nothing is clearly definable by reason, that i've credited happiness with all of the good things that have happened to me in this time. and we all know that you are a better person to those in your life when you are happy. less likely to argue, get irritated, take things personally, let things bottle up, even take things in TO bottle up. so chicken or egg here. i always thought it was very neat that you are less likely to have problems if you are happy. but maybe, like those unhappy people always told me, they would be happier if they had less problems. and these problems are in our head half the time. for me to be happy, i need to feel healthy, fit, intellectually occupied, stimulated, and productive, be living my own schedule, be living a varied, never monotonous schedule, and have enough alone time. its starting to seem, and never did before, or maybe its just tonight and i'm making generalizations that i shouldn't, that this is a lot of work to maintain. a lot of these things could even be stricken from my control. when i thought it was easy, i scoffed at the unhappy people in my life...'don't they get it? if they just turned on what makes them happy, they wouldn't attract all this negativity or have to be so hard on the ones they love which is in turn making them unhappy.'

i clearly need a more 3D medium, a kind of tangible thought web to follow and organize these thoughts, but i'm also thinking here about where lies the real you. when you are happy and so less argumentative, less grouchy, isn't that just some kind of brain chemical prozac. is it really your reaction to the things people do to you and they way the treat you if your happiness makes you more likely to let things roll off your back? certainly when i'm unhappy, i noticed increased irritability that doesn't feel REAL. being very conscious of these things, i identify it as 'not me, just my bad mood.' but then couldn't the same be said for happy...'not me, just my good mood.' where then do you find your justice for what you really think is right and wrong in how people treat you; where is your guide for whether or not that thing is really making you angry, or whether your anger was simply looking for an outlet? i've always simply used the way i emotionally react as my gauge...people have said to me ' oh that SHOULD make you angry' and instead of becoming angry because most people would, i assess whether or not the thing really bothers me. but if its a little thing that changes depending on mood, where is the truth?

and what happens if i stop being as cool, flexible, laid back, low maintenance as a friend, optimistic?
do you stop attracting positivity or does it stop attracting you?
and who will be left of the fair weather friends?

Always Be Yourself.

"Always be yourself. Your loud, brave, unabashed, scandalous, original, exceptional, truly magnificent, self-lovin’, horn-tootin’, crowd-wavin’, kiss-blowin’ self.

Always be yourself. You may face criticism, dirty looks & gossip over the back fence, but at least you will have honoured yourself, done your best, been true & authentic.

Always be yourself. No one else shines like you — nor can they illuminate a room, thrill onlookers or shatter perceptions in the amazing way you do.

Always be yourself. Your life is yours alone, to do with as you please. Don’t feel that you have to serve other people; in the end, it is only you who matters.

Always be yourself. If you want to live the life of your dreams, you have to make it happen. No one else is going to do it for you. Get off your toosh, toots, & start!"

from: http://galadarling.com/article/quote-of-the-day-4th-june-2008

to each his own

"This gets me thinking. I am just the sum of the experiences that have fashioned my personality into the type of person who has to make a big deal about being sustainable. A stockbroker is just the sum of the experiences that fashion his or her personality into the type of person who digs playing the market. There's no better or worse. No Impact just becomes the practice that works for me. Playing the market is the practice that works for someone else.

If I can maintain that attitude, if I can understand the human motivations and values that underpin everyone's actions, even if I don't necessarily agree with them, I have a chance of meeting people on common ground and talking to them, not as a person who is morally superior, but as a friend. And people listen more openly to their friends.

... I want to attract people and change their minds, I need to understand them and their foibles and appreciate them for the fact that they may be able to offer some great pointers on lipstick and sunglasses. Think what the people of the world would look like if they all dressed like environmentalists. Would that even be a world worth saving?"

from: http://noimpactman.typepad.com/blog/2008/05/sustainable-liv.html

memories

when asked if i think about the man i loved for a whole fifth of my life,
i can honestly answer that days sometimes go by without a thought.
when asked if i think about the man who raised me for the first fifth of my life,
i can honestly answer, again, that days pass, and when a thought appears, there is no accompanying emotion.
am i without a heart?
i like to think i'm simply more without strings
there are some, keeping me grounded to this moment, perhaps
but when each day allows for re-creation of this person i call myself
i need not be defined by the people, places, and things i've moved on from
on this the eve of a very big move
i'm mired in memories
deciding which to take
which to leave behind
which to donate
and which to discard
its a tiresome process, that demands nostalgia, measurement of pricelessness, and selectivity of necessity.
in the end, like my friend said, 'its just stuff.'
i still possess only two items from my childhood,
and will keep only one.
each year of your life becomes a smaller percentage of your life as time passes
and you own proportionally less from each era.
so many things being gifts, representing hard earned money of loved ones...i'm left with much to store.
and with them, i'm storing away that person who owned all those things
and realizing how much it feels like i could not even call that person me
the things changed, the things lost, the things forgotten...
and so this passage spoke to me:

"...how a file opens the door to a vast sunken labyrinth of the forgotten past, but how, too, the very act of opening the door itself changes the buried artifacts, like an archaeologist letting in fresh air to a sealed Egyptian tomb.
For these are not simply past experiences rediscovered in their original state. Even without the fresh light...our memories decay or sharpen, mellow or sour, with the passage of time and the change of circumstances...But with the fresh light the memory changes irrevocably. A door opens, but another closes. There is no way back now to your own earlier memory of that person, that event. It is like a revelation made, years later, to a loved one. Or like a bad divorce, where today's bitterness transforms all the shared past, completely, miserably, seemingly forever. Except that this bitter memory, too, will fade and change with the further passage of time.
So what we have is nothing less than an infinity of memories of any moment, event, or person: memories that change slowly always, with every passing second, but now and then dramatically, after some jolt or revelation. Like one of those digital photographs whose every color, tint, or detail can be changed on a computer screen, except that here we're not in control and can't revert at will to an earlier image. They say "The past is a foreign country," but actually the past is another universe.
-The File, Timothy Garton Ash

give it a shot

whether the cause be peace, the environment, educational reform, or supporting the losing candidate because you agree with his stance, you'll get more fulfillment out of being true to what you believe than being in the winner's circle.

giving up because you'll never see the fruits of your labor is rather selfish and more so, besides the point. if you really care about the cause, seeing your own actions make an impact should not really be a motivator.

if nothing else, you challenged, tried, cared, fought, and therefore, mattered.

th!nk

"The writer William Faulkner once said, 'If I had to choose between pain and nothing, I would choose pain.' To the best of my knowledge, Faulkner was not a masochist. He didn't literally mean physical pain or deprivation, although he did suffer his share of these. He meant struggle over mind-numbing complacency and pleasure seeking. Faulkner knew that it was only in struggle, through confrontation of one's fears and life's difficulties, that a person became fully human, alive, and growing...
Research has shown that material comfort alone does not ensure happiness. Is-ness is not freedom or release or fulfillment, it just is. To be truly happy a person needs to be engaged, using his or her mind. To be really happy a person needs to feel he or she has accomplished something. Just one act of taking control can expand your moral and intellectual horizons and make you a better critical and creative thinker. It doesn't need to be 'intellectual.' It could be something as simple as riding a bike to the store instead of driving. It could be stopping for a beer at a biker bar. By doing something completely out of sync with what we identify as our 'character,' we stimulate thought and ideas, rediscover plans and goals...
When the primary pursuit in society becomes avoiding risk, seeking one's own, and keeping one's head down, life inevitably resolves itself into a comforting numbness. Out thoughts suffocate, the blood supply to our brains shrinks, as we grow fewer not more synapses. Once again, we aren't compelled to do anything. We can just sit here and collectively allow our brains to shrivel and let the next generation deal with the consequences. However, I invite the reader to consider the benefits of putting on a beanie, grabbing a kazoo, and setting off on a scootering excursion through the streets of his or her peaceful, comfortable neighborhood.
Metaphorically speaking, of course."

-Th!nk, Michael R LeGault

evolution of a non-thought

i sit.
here.
cross legged.
in a black swivel chair.
at a black desk.
in a brick walled room.
with carpet.
my mind...

[empty]

nothing to think
only observation
people here drive red cars
more than where i'm from
where everything is silver
because no one wants to really say anything
or stand out
not that they do here
all they are probably saying here
may be blind patriotism
or maybe just...
today,
there are lots of red cars.

there are a lot of things i don't know
things i know nothing of
things i couldn't answer correctly regarding
things i don't know i don't know
and perception is a funny thing
and where you are coming from in your mind
will often answer for you
before the question asked, nevermind pondered

and where all of these things may be
uncertain
unimportant
insignificant
is where the
certain
important
significance
of this begins

the significant
importance
of (whatfeelslikebutiwouldneversayis) certainty

my eyelids are so heavy
weighed down
by all the ~unbelievable~ beauty they've (be)held
in the last three days
and tired from staying awake
to savor such scarce magical reality
tired,
-its why i have no brain
with which to think right now-
and without need
-oftimes knowing requires no thought-
its simplicity
truth just is
and allows me
to just be.
peaceful. free. here.

does a gypsy grow up?

Getting coffee this morning, i overheard a lady saying her husband was leaving her to see the world, leaving today with the Black Crowes. Turns out he is 'tech' and travels around with different bands on tour. This has resulted in their divorce. The discussion of freedom in relationships and long distance is for another post and another time, but it got me thinking again...
I wonder when and if it will ever happen, and i wonder what i'll do if it doesn't.
What i'm talking about is the idea of being settled in to a place or job. As it stands now, i'm so very excited about the idea that i don't yet know where my life will lead me. I have no definite plan or goal for it to be anywhere in particular in 3, 5, or 10 years, and i love the mystery. What scared me away greatly from my last relationship was the idea that i saw it all unfolding before me very tangibly and visibly, the marriage, the house, the job, the dogs, the kids even. And it would have been just fine, certainly nothing to objectionable for any normal person's life really, but i didn't like the idea that i knew, predictably, how things would go for years to come in my future. In addition, i was not ready to say at that point, and really am still not, that marriage and kids are for me. Keeping me afloat right now is that idea that i will soon sail away from this place and my job, with its disillusioning effects on my idealism, and start a new lifestyle in a new, unfamiliar place. I sauntered out of the gym after a work out last night, looked up at the damp sky and realized how freeing it felt to NOT know if and when i would be married, if and when i would have a house, if and when i would have children, if and when i would have a job with real responsibilities. Some might even consider me immature for this viewpoint, but i say to them, who says i have to live my life according to their timetable of "mature" stepping stones if i choose not to? I know and hold this to be true, but the fact remains that i'm likely to need and find a job that keeps me in one place for some extended period of time, no? Or maybe it will happen when i'm happy to stay in one place for an extended period of time and it will cause no dissonance. I still feel concerned, however, that just the simple IDEA of being in one place for too long will creep in and begin to erode the happiness i may have found. I consider myself to be happy in this place and job and still, if i saw myself here for any more than 4 years...the thought of that turns my stomach. Could it be just a phase? For now, this post being published is the extent and conclusion of my concern, as my 'unsettlement' thus far has brought me into my most authentic self yet, and i've never felt better.

flow through you

"Love comes like a fresh, fragrant breeze into your home, fills it with freshness and fragrance, remains as long as existence allows it, and then moves out. You should not try to close all your doors, or the same fresh breeze will become absolutely stale. In life, everything is changing and change is beautiful; it gives you more and more experience, more and more awareness, more and more maturity"


"By the time you are ready to explore the world of love, you are filled with so much rubbish about love that there is not much hope for you to be able to find the authentic and discard the false...For example, every child everywhere has been told in a thousand and one ways that love is eternal: once you love a person you love the person always. If you love a person and later on you feel that you don't love, it only means you never loved the person in the first place. Now this is a very dangerous idea. It is giving you and idea of a permanent love and in life nothing is permanent. The flowers blossom in the morning and by the evening they are gone...
It is possible that if you are enlightened your love has gone beyond the ordinary laws of life. It is neither changing nor permanent; it simply is. It is no more a question of how to love; you have become love itself, so whatever you do is loving...But before enlightenment you love is going to be the same as everything else; it will change...For a lighter life, for a more playful life, you need to be flexible. You have to remember that freedom is the highest value and if love is not giving you freedom then it is not love. Freedom is a criterion: anything that gives you freedom is right, and anything that destroys your freedom is wrong. If you can remember this small criterion your life, slowly, will start settling on the right path about everything: your relationships, your meditations, your creativity, whatever you are."

-Osho, 'Being in Love'

a reply: insistence on the proof

love is not a fantasy. love exists.

When it exists in reality, it is a world of beautiful truth, a world that admits it knows no 'forever' and cannot and does not fathom 'always.' It is the world of two becoming, never one, but TWO happier individuals, a world of real love, of falling in love, and of appreciating love and its potentially fleeting composition which lends to its beauty. Its not to be worshipped, but respected, admired, and cultivated, only to the extent that it is never a chore or an obligation. It is patient with pains that don’t need or want to heal,and there to help in whatever way it can or is asked to. It can captivate, but is never the pinnacle of all things, only the rungs on the ladder to freedom and happiness. It most certainly can inspire, but should not be a sole source of inspiration.

What the wise see as love is the sometimes synchronistic tendency of two individuals’ thoughts, smiles, emotions, hormones, and intellect. It should never attempt to join these individuals as one, because what should have brought the two together in the first place was the admiration for the other’s wholeness, not the admiration for the other’s admiration. Real love understands that its okay to never completely know, understand, think, or feel as one, and this ensures an attainable reality with lack of expectations that will inevitably be incredibly satisfying for both individuals. There will always be wonder and novelty in rediscovering the other, and watching from the sidelines as the other makes their own discoveries to share if they wish. Real love knows that this love should not become everything in the other's life, and understands that it is not possible find or be all the things that one needs in another person. Completeness should come from within one’s self, not from being with or possessing the parts of another.

Love should never become a tangled web of obligation and expectation where consolation is found by the pacification of long term fears with short term joys. Desires and demands must be dropped, and attachment will not have the roots to grow. Only then will the truth shine through allowing moments of beauty that overshadow any fantasy that could have been imagined (but fantasizing should be dropped as its simply expectation’s easy cousin).

If there is ANY greediness revealed, it should only be a hankering for the other’s happiness to be found wherever it occurs naturally, without claiming credit. Love should never be pursued, only found in the flow of one’s own life, allowing the other to share where they fit. Time has no bearing, as there is only now, and the present IS the present, the best gift to receive. Shared interests and activities should only enhance and should diverge when the flow of energy diverts those things to other people and places, like the two people themselves. When the beauty is overshadowed by efforts, struggles, bargains, and fights, the two should admit their purpose in each other’s lives has been served and move on with their individual lives once again. If others observe the love, that is fine, but its not something to be shown off or worn like a medal of conquest. Real love should be impossible to pin down, and undesirable once fenced in, a product of the appreciation of its free spirit, intangibility, and inability to be defined or put in any sort of box, impossible to be collected in any sort of way, and an expression of an honest overflowing of happiness.

Only then is love right, and only for as long as these qualities can be felt...

Love is "...not its meaning, but its feeling; not its permanence, but its moment; not its fulfillment of our expectation, but its truth; not its “fantasy”, but its reality.”

...only then will love become so much more...

...to elaborate/explain my relation and adaptation of this entry to my own beliefs:


...what i'm saying is how, based on the economic model of capitalism, people, young people, at too young of an age to really decide, are unknowingly deposited in an area of study based on the demands of society and the market rather than their own demands of their own heart and mind. yes, its works, and for good reason, but i don't think it would fall apart, either, if we were able to stress to these students more often to follow their dreams. there would still be accountants and advertisers, because there would still be people inclined to be interested or adept in those fields or who truly sought financial security as their form of happiness due to their personal nature and need for such. but people LIKE ME, would not have, not wasted per se, but misdirected her intellectual energy pursuing a field because it seemed lucrative. luckily i found marketing (began as business management!) which was actually interesting to me because of the behavioral, creative, and mathematically-challenging aspects of it. but again, do i really want to do anything in marketing in the corporate sense...i've changed my mind about those companies that do higher ed marketing, so no i don't.

and we, in guidance positions (high school or admissions side), throw terms at these young people that impact them far more than i think we realize..."one of the most highly demanded professions right now." = if you go to this school, you will get a job. I think they often associate it, perceive it, attach to it a respectability because they've been taught all of their lives to be a part of the group, to be needed, wanted, popular...it all goes way back to the group think instilled in them throughout school and we aren't aware enough of their intellectual foundations when using these kinds of terms. and also just the fact that its the first thing we say and make it seem most important because, to us, from the point of view of the college, its a SELLING point. something is intrinsically wrong with this, and it goes deeper than somehow blaming the economics of a country. its got nothing to do with placing the blame there, as that is a neutral and naturally occurring mechanism that exists for factually good reasons, not as some form of humanly devised protection, enhancement, or service to society, but just because it DOES.

its got to do with what we, as human people, emphasize, what we stress, what we deem important and its gone a little askew these days (going to say "in America" but its probably everywhere) because of the power of marketing really. it needs to be balanced, but i think people are afraid that the system will fail if we give people another outlook or consciousness.

and yes, its hard, because its all intertwined and you can't always separate on from the other. and thats why im saying its not about separation or restructuring the whole thing; simply about consciousness of this fact and about making sure we are all THINKING FOR OURSELVES. all i'm saying is that we are way too influenced by the market and need to be aware of that when influencing those we are deciding on educational and employment choices that are supposed to result in fulfillment, whether that fulfillment be in the form of financial security, creativity, happiness, interest, etc etc.

we made it...

(so I should say that I PREFER the "in" for its connotation: inner, inside, in love, into, within, whereas "out" is linked to out of, outer, put out, go out, run out, all out. but, as pondered on the PATH train, here you go...)

out of the notes in the songs
out of righting my wrongs
out of finding my way
(from thinking of what you'd say)
out of just being us
out of abstaining from lust
out of discipline of temptation
out of building a foundation
out of the beauty of trust
out of abandonment of must
out of the cards in the hand
out of supply, not demand
out of the words from those lips
out of carbonated sips
out of packages and email
thanks to msn and gmail
out of markers and a board
out of a very long phone cord
out of everything thats free
out of letting me be me...

...from oz...

Do not hold onto your goal too tightly. If the Wizard accidentally takes off in his hot air balloon without you, the universe may be trying to show you something better. When Dorothy lets go and connects with her inner essence, she ultimately realizes she has all the love she needs within her own heart to be at home with herself...To acquire anything you desire, simply give up your attachment to the outcome.

Just in case

anyone is wondering
where i am...
i'm out enjoying
the evitabling
of an
unspeakability
in all of its
jawdroppingness.
and in my own wondermazement
of it,
i'm floored