Life...

"Now you just dig them in front. They have worries, they're counting the miles, they're thinking about where to sleep tonight, how much money for gas, the weather, how they'll get there-& all the time they'll get there anyway, you see. But they need to worry & betray time with urgencies false & otherwise, purely anxious & whiny, their souls really won't be at peace unless they can latch on to an established & proven worry & having once found it they assume facial expressions to fit & go with it, which is, you see, unhappiness, & all the time it all flies by them & they know it & that TOO worries them to no end."

-On the Road, Jack Kerouac

in five years, i see myself five years older...

...don't get freaked out by the pure light within you
no, don't let it freak you out
just go with it
because if you don't go with it
it will just take you where it wants to be
which is cool too, if you have the time

-chris robinson

as i start to turn my gaze toward graduation in May, the questions are cropping up again. no longer am i free to flow into something (new place to live, new job, new program of study) because first i must flow out. and for some reason, this means i must know the direction of my flow. or so they say.

'where do you see yourself in 5 years?' and 'what are your career goals?' seem to come up every day, and its silly really. talking to a friend last night, he had a great answer, 'i have no plans to stay and i have no plans to leave.' having no plans is what it should be all about. because once you think you have it all figured out, you are just asking to be proven wrong. in any situation. plans, while some people need the security of knowing WHERE they are going, are mostly limiting. what if my friend had plans to leave and a month before doing so, he is faced with a great opportunity? likely he will not view the same opportunity in the same light because he's 'on his way out,' likely the opportunity may not have presented itself to begin with because he's been busy planning his exit and looking to the future, no longer cultivating the same friendships, community bonds, and work bonds, no longer rooting himself to this place.

And anyway, why and for what/who do you need a plan? I suppose if you are looking to make a real impact on the world, make some kind of change that matters, then yes you need a plan, but most of us are just trying to live. So for most of us, what does a plan give us besides a sense, albeit inflated, of importance, a sense of meaning to our lives. But when you get there, to this end point in your goal, do you feel fulfilled? Maybe but I bet its so short lived because it that is how you see the world, you are already onto the next goal, already thinking about the future, never there in the present really enjoying what in reality is all we have, the now.

and while i feel uprooted and in limbo lately, i know it just means i'm staying OPEN to all the possibilities.

its like relationships and marriage...they represent plans as well. plans for a future, plans to stay loyal to this person. once you are in that spot, do you go out as often and meet new people? lets say you do, even...do you approach the new people you meet with the same openness, curiosity, sense of 'what if' and possibility? most people do not. and so you've closed yourself off to possibility. and i'm not saying possibility of meeting another mate, although that IS there, but even just the possibility of an intimate friendship, a deep rewarding bond, but now instead, there are social conventions blocking you from getting to know that person on such a level because it may be perceived the wrong way by your mate, their mate, outside parties, etc. And you assume they have nothing much to offer you since you've already found that 'person for you.' we're so inhibited by our plans and our decisions that we *think* are carved out, set in stone. burn your carvings. throw that stone into the ocean and watch it change form.
stay open.

plans usually limit you because plans are made by you; creations of only what you can imagine, and while some may dare to dream, most of us live in the realm of practicality and likelihood because its safer. you can't imagine something greater, something outside yourself, you don't imagine there are others as enlightening as those people that you've met and know at that moment. and you plan on a narrow foundation. not planning allows you to be open to a wider scope of probabilities, to all those things you thought could never happen, but somehow do (usually right around or after the time you think you've got it all figured out).

there's a quote on my wall that says 'dwell in possibility' and it doesn't mean to always be wanting something else or always be thinking about the future. at least not to me, to me it says, be open, be aware, that it is possible for anything to change at any time, for new doors to open, for old doors you thought would never shut to now be locked, you just never know.

love,

aimless peacock

Like a tumbleweed

Sing me a song like the wants of the river
Tell me a tale of the wolves
Make me a gift of arrow and quiver
Love me child of the moon
Bring me the bark from the burnt trees of Mayfair
Recite me ancient verse
Control the powers of wondrous color or unspeakable one word curse

Roll me like a tumbleweed in Eden
All the way home
Roll me like a tumbleweed in Eden
All the way home

Go ring the bells of solemn forewarning
Chew on the bitterest roots
Go throw your rope speak in split tongue charming
Go shine your pair of black boots

Roll me like a tumbleweed in Eden
All the way home
Roll me like a tumbleweed in Eden
All the way home
And there I'll stay
Lock me away until the day that you love me

So bring back the days of my emerald wanderings
Dream in a wide open sky
Never forget my drunken stumblings
And I'll see you in the by and by

Title:	Like A Tumbleweed in Eden
Author:	Chris Robinson
Artist:	Chris Robinson
Album:	This Magnificent Distance
Debut:	02/10/03
Session:	This Magnificent Distance
Shows:	4 times played live

"ever gentle on my mind"

It's knowing that your door is always open and your path is free to walk

That makes me tend to leave my sleeping bag rolled up and stashed behind your couch

And it's knowing I'm not shackled by forgotten words and bonds

And the ink stains that have dried upon some line

That keeps you in the backroads by the rivers of my mem'ry

That keeps you ever gentle on my mind

It's not clinging to the rocks and ivy planted on their columns now that bind me

Or something that somebody said because they thought we fit together walking

It's just knowing that the world will not be cursing or forgiving

When I walk along some railroad track and find

That you're moving on the backroads by the rivers of my mem'ry

And for hours you're just gentle on my mind

Though the wheat fields and the clotheslines

And the junkyards and the highways come between us

And some other woman's crying to her mother cause she turned and I was gone

I still might run in silence, tears of joy might stain my face

And the summer sun might burn me till I'm blind

But not to where I cannot see you walking on the backroads

By the rivers flowing gentle on my mind

I dip my cup of of soup back from a gurgling, crackling cauldron in some train yard

My beard a roughened coal pile and a dirty hat pulled low across my face

Through cupped hands round a tin can I pretend to hold you to my breast and find

That you're wavin' from the backroads by the rivers of my mem'ry

Ever smiling, ever gentle on my mind

-Glen Campbell

Weekend retreat in Edgewood

House sitting for Cari, Glenn, and Anni...

This is Jesse...

This is their awesome, relaxing back deck...
This is the front porch. Sisco posed so nicely for me...
This is the cute little path they built, complete with a fountain/watering hole for the dogs...
This morning I took a wandering drive towards those mountains, following dirt roads to their end. This is the view Cari and Glenn get to see every morning when they drive down towards Rt. 40 to go to UNM. The picture doesn't do it justice at all. I plan to bring people up this way when they come to visit me just because the drive is gorgeous, and you really can see forever, it seems.

This is the front porch, complete with my two new buddies: Riley, the yellow lab, and Sisco, the lab/husky mix...Riley is the sweetest and follows me everywhere. I feel very safe here alone with these two guys keeping watch...

This is the sunset Mel and I saw the other day. She took this shot while I drove. It was magnificent. THIS is the New Mexico I came here for. THIS is the inspiring horizon that harmonizes with my soul, that resonates and satisfies my need to feel free. Its so peaceful and quiet here, far from the highway, far from malls and shopping, far from any hustle or bustle, a place to really slow life down and enjoy it to the fullest.

le voyageur de l'esprit

at the intersection of pompous and genius
at the corner of pretention and philosophy
(judgement in the mind of the beholder)
where postulations undulate
and books' breathe contented sighs
romance in the flourish of a pencil
lead appears as love on another full page
a blooming not in soil but in skull
a synapse's spark
lighting the candle
that burns midnight's oil
and illuminates the map
when thought becomes a journey,
journey becomes a thought.
destination is discovery
untouched grounds
founded in freedom
experience untouched
save for one.























for roo

plan?

Plan:"A detailed proposal" for achievement, "decided on and arranged for in advance."

Both a noun and a verb.  To have a plan to plan.

Take an action to

Make an action.

Moving forward always.

For some its enough to have any plan.

For some it must be one of their own, 

not decided or influenced by their parents or significant other.

For others its too much to even think of a plan, let alone have one.

For me, purpose exists without plan.

Some of the best things in my life have happened to me

When things didn't go as planned

Or when there was no plan for it to happen

For some, plan exists without purpose.

For comfort, to have an answer when asked.

I need not answer to anyone but myself, this I know.

But right now, my self is asking, "What's your plan?"

My purposeless intentions

May need to be questioned

Will staying open

end up slamming doors?

"Once you attain a certain state, life gives you another goal.  The horizon goes on and on running in front of you, you never reach it, you are always on the way--always reaching, just reaching.  And if you understand that, then the whole tension of the mind disappears, because the tension is to seek a goal, to arrive somewhere...Life is not stagnant--it is flowing and flowing, and there is no other shore.  Once you understand this you start enjoying the journey itself.  Each step is a goal, and there is no goal...Then there is no tension because there is nowhere to go, so you cannot go astray."

-Osho

New Mexico

life through my studying eyes

For someone who has had 24 transitions from summer to fall, this is neverland.
My body and brain prepare for the cold, my eyes remain in wonder, my skin soaks it in, hoping to retain as much as possible for the delayed chill.
Its magical and feels as though I've been blessed with extra time, that my life could possibly go at a slower pace, and be enjoyed more densely with every found second.
land of enchantment, land of entrapment,
my little embankment of sunshine and time.

speechless...

...twice in one night...

Massachusetts

The sun slid down behind the Tappan Zee, and I slid down the Atlantic Coast.
My GPS and cell phone batteries drained, as were my own.
One last beautiful 287 sky allowed me the peace of mind to reflect on my visit up north.
It was so great to see Grampa, and I had such a fun, liberating drive up; it was so great to see him with his two dogs who keep him young. But goodbyes get harder as loved ones get older, and the lump in my throat was forming the night before; the cold firm grip that reality has on my jaw, holding my face in place, so I have to look and can't squirm away from the examination of our eventual, inescapable, everlooming mortality.
Reading helps, of course - did you know "hobo" is short for HOmeward BOund? - in that its both a satisfying experience for my brain, in that its an escape, but also a productive commentary on the shadows cast over the day...

When you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt - this is not selfishness; it is your duty (and also you entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight
-Eat, Pray, Love

home alone

I was surprised when the sadness didn't come as and when I expected.
Now I'm learning that it will come when it wants, and stay as long as it wants too, without knocking.
Goodbye to my family until Christmas, goodbye to my love until a time yet to be planned, goodbye to my dear friend until Buddha knows when...these are indeed transitory and transitional times for all of us.

off to embrace the alone time with a book...

a weekend and a half...

It was a weekend and a half...figuratively and literally...and so much has happened. I'm now homeless which allowed for some major family bonding, and the beginning of some serious hobo vagabonding. Eleven free slurpees, three poolsides, one seaside, and more from oz...
The fortune teller machine card printed, "You may be traveling down a yellow brick road..."

celebrating MY independence

"I hope July 4th goes beyond political independence and takes over individual lives. We are all free to be. We are free to forget. We are free to dream. We are free to scream. So celebrate something in your own way today, this week, and the rest of the year. Light that dormant fuse in your ass and sparkle once in a while. Help me hear the boom from way out here."
-from, http://freshnessfactorfivethousand.blogspot.com/2008/07/shine-light.html

Last year, on July 3rd into the early morning hours of July 4th, I realized and celebrated my own independence from a way of life I had been living for 5 and a half years.
This year, still celebrating, and still so grateful for one of the reasons that brought me to such a realization.

Syracuse JazzFest

Magic has permeated my summer and this past weekend was no exception.
The Syracuse JazzFest was excellent and my company was 'amazical'.
A less than notable opener, the Oz Noy Trio was described as the Israeli Jimi Hendrix; not sure if that was less than complimentary to Jimi or Israel, likely both.
The East Coast West Coast Dream Band thoroughly thrilled and impressed the crowd, vocalist Alex Ligertwood getting everyone on their feet and belting some awesome vocals, including a superb 'Layla'. Sergio Mendes rocked the house for sure.
The second day included an exhilarating visit to Wegmans (my first time!) and then we headed back to the legendary Onondaga Community College campus. The Steelheads mellowed us out, and on the steamy late June afternoon, it was quite fitting to be serenaded by Caribbean sounding steel drums. The Moutin Reunion Quartet jived some straight ahead jazz with extraordinary chemisty, being that the drum and bass players are brothers. The real highlight of the whole weekend for me was Bill Evans Soulgrass, once again fusing my two current musical passions, Bluegrass and Jazz. With a sound much like the Flecktones, these guys really rocked the whole show; a welcome addition and departure from the Flecktones sound being the fiddle player, Christian Howes, who personally sold me, from his backpack, one of his CDs later on in the day. Also obtained was this CD, The Other Side Of Something, signed in person by Bill Evans and his banjo player in the CD tent! I'm listening to that as I write now...and you should be too! Mike Stern and his band rocked some heavy Jazz flawlessly, the drummer Dave Weckl wowing us all, and Randy Brecker, of course, selling the whole thing. Randy's two performances, with Mike Stern and also the day earlier with the Dream Band, reinforced my appreciation for trumpet (especially muted trumpet!).
Above you can see the rainbow that appeared after a short humidity relieving rain shower. I have never seen one arch all the way across the sky and the colors seen in the picture are only half of what the crowd gaped at in the moment. just wow.

Railroad Earth...

railroad earth
through this railroad earth
for whatever it's worth
singin' songs & stayin' high

& you know i'll be
where my heart feels free
& my thoughts are free to fly

oh mama, please don't make me lie
i need my freedom, need my open sky

in yer socks & shirt & yer bed of dirt
with the midnight moon on high
& you know i've been
where the midnight wind
makes the soul & spirit cry

oh mama, please don't ask me why
i need my freedom
i need my open sky

through this railroad earth
for whatever it's worth
gettin' ' long & gettin' by
& you know i miss
every single kiss
as the years go rollin' by

oh mama, aint it good to be alive
when you're mountain-top
& feelin' high

oh mama, aint it good to be alive
when you're down & rollin'
free to ride

oh mama, please don't make me lie

directionless postcollegiate life

"...With such a character-defining foothold in the career world, I no longer have to make excuses for the life I lead. No longer do I have to explain my directionless postcollegiate life to incredulous eyes and repetitive questions, like: "What are you doing next year?" "Don't you want to do something with your life?" and my favorite, "When are you going to get a real job?" I am no longer just Thomas, the supposed slacker, backpacker bum, or permanent student. I am Thomas, the employee of ________, ________, ________ & _________ LLP, and I am going places.

I make more money than I reasonably should, putting papers into chronological order (chroning, in office-speak). My skill set also includes entering numbers into Excel spreadsheets and working the copier and fax machine. Between those projects, I search for old high school friends' names on Google; play online Jeopardy against my office trivia nemesis, Jerry; and generally while away the hours of my life...

Yes, I know, I really have it pretty good. There are people starving in Africa. And there are plenty of people here in New York who would love the chance to be in a cubicle all day and not have to operate deep-fat fryers, drive garbage trucks... or whatever it is they do. The problem is that I am an ungrateful by-product of a prosperous society -- the offal of opportunity. I am just another liberal arts graduate who bought the idea that life and career would be a fulfilling intellectual journey. Unfortunately, I am performing a glorified version of punching the time clock, and the financial rewards don't come anywhere near filling the emotional void of such diminished expectations."

-Do Travel Writers Go to Hell?, Thomas B Kohnstamm

does a gypsy grow up?

Getting coffee this morning, i overheard a lady saying her husband was leaving her to see the world, leaving today with the Black Crowes. Turns out he is 'tech' and travels around with different bands on tour. This has resulted in their divorce. The discussion of freedom in relationships and long distance is for another post and another time, but it got me thinking again...
I wonder when and if it will ever happen, and i wonder what i'll do if it doesn't.
What i'm talking about is the idea of being settled in to a place or job. As it stands now, i'm so very excited about the idea that i don't yet know where my life will lead me. I have no definite plan or goal for it to be anywhere in particular in 3, 5, or 10 years, and i love the mystery. What scared me away greatly from my last relationship was the idea that i saw it all unfolding before me very tangibly and visibly, the marriage, the house, the job, the dogs, the kids even. And it would have been just fine, certainly nothing to objectionable for any normal person's life really, but i didn't like the idea that i knew, predictably, how things would go for years to come in my future. In addition, i was not ready to say at that point, and really am still not, that marriage and kids are for me. Keeping me afloat right now is that idea that i will soon sail away from this place and my job, with its disillusioning effects on my idealism, and start a new lifestyle in a new, unfamiliar place. I sauntered out of the gym after a work out last night, looked up at the damp sky and realized how freeing it felt to NOT know if and when i would be married, if and when i would have a house, if and when i would have children, if and when i would have a job with real responsibilities. Some might even consider me immature for this viewpoint, but i say to them, who says i have to live my life according to their timetable of "mature" stepping stones if i choose not to? I know and hold this to be true, but the fact remains that i'm likely to need and find a job that keeps me in one place for some extended period of time, no? Or maybe it will happen when i'm happy to stay in one place for an extended period of time and it will cause no dissonance. I still feel concerned, however, that just the simple IDEA of being in one place for too long will creep in and begin to erode the happiness i may have found. I consider myself to be happy in this place and job and still, if i saw myself here for any more than 4 years...the thought of that turns my stomach. Could it be just a phase? For now, this post being published is the extent and conclusion of my concern, as my 'unsettlement' thus far has brought me into my most authentic self yet, and i've never felt better.

found snow friday

this morning
my bed
whispered to me this:

"turn the snow up
leave it on
and come back to me
nestle yourself in
like the snow piled
in the crooks of those branches
tangle yourself in the sheets
like those twigs in the cold
twisting together for warmth
let the guitars' notes fall
around your face
like the flakes
and be the inspiration
to a
snow drift in and out
of that peaceful dream
when you are ready
and only when good and ready
rise from the soft jersey sheets
still warm from your body
(oh how happy your body makes us)
and makeacuppa
mochacappu
savor it
but savor more
the found time"

A collaboration: So may it secretly begin...a story within a story.

What do you want?
Travels
It's for you!
-Are we there yet?-
Don't wait!

fear and trembling
have you heard?
better days ahead: the good life

are you going with me into the dream? follow me
memory:
every summer night
down here on the ground

naked moon
secret beach
have you heard the sound of water

towards the light, never too far away
and then i knew, understanding
a change in circumstance

he's gone away, home, oasis
if i could
i will find the way
the road to you
not to be forgotten
on her way
always and forever

proof:
When we were free, the truth will always be.
Alone. Discovery. Acceptance.

(all song titles thanks to Pat Metheny)

balance

"When feeling balanced, one is free.
In that very balance is freedom, in that very balance is equilibrium, tranquility, silence.

When the head is too much...it does not allow anything that is not profitable to exist. And all joy is profitless, all joy is just playfulness; it has no purpose. Love is play, it has no purpose; so is dance, so is beauty. All that is significant to the heart is meaningless to reason.

So in the beginning one has to put much investment into the heart so the balance is achieved. One has almost to lean too much toward the heart. One has to go to the other extreme to create the balance. By and by one comes into the middle, but first one has to go to the other extreme, because reason has dominated too much."
-Osho, Everyday Osho