don't come around here anymore.

Sorry for the lack of posts; I'm expressing myself in different ways these days :)

My website

My flickr

in five years, i see myself five years older...

...don't get freaked out by the pure light within you
no, don't let it freak you out
just go with it
because if you don't go with it
it will just take you where it wants to be
which is cool too, if you have the time

-chris robinson

as i start to turn my gaze toward graduation in May, the questions are cropping up again. no longer am i free to flow into something (new place to live, new job, new program of study) because first i must flow out. and for some reason, this means i must know the direction of my flow. or so they say.

'where do you see yourself in 5 years?' and 'what are your career goals?' seem to come up every day, and its silly really. talking to a friend last night, he had a great answer, 'i have no plans to stay and i have no plans to leave.' having no plans is what it should be all about. because once you think you have it all figured out, you are just asking to be proven wrong. in any situation. plans, while some people need the security of knowing WHERE they are going, are mostly limiting. what if my friend had plans to leave and a month before doing so, he is faced with a great opportunity? likely he will not view the same opportunity in the same light because he's 'on his way out,' likely the opportunity may not have presented itself to begin with because he's been busy planning his exit and looking to the future, no longer cultivating the same friendships, community bonds, and work bonds, no longer rooting himself to this place.

And anyway, why and for what/who do you need a plan? I suppose if you are looking to make a real impact on the world, make some kind of change that matters, then yes you need a plan, but most of us are just trying to live. So for most of us, what does a plan give us besides a sense, albeit inflated, of importance, a sense of meaning to our lives. But when you get there, to this end point in your goal, do you feel fulfilled? Maybe but I bet its so short lived because it that is how you see the world, you are already onto the next goal, already thinking about the future, never there in the present really enjoying what in reality is all we have, the now.

and while i feel uprooted and in limbo lately, i know it just means i'm staying OPEN to all the possibilities.

its like relationships and marriage...they represent plans as well. plans for a future, plans to stay loyal to this person. once you are in that spot, do you go out as often and meet new people? lets say you do, even...do you approach the new people you meet with the same openness, curiosity, sense of 'what if' and possibility? most people do not. and so you've closed yourself off to possibility. and i'm not saying possibility of meeting another mate, although that IS there, but even just the possibility of an intimate friendship, a deep rewarding bond, but now instead, there are social conventions blocking you from getting to know that person on such a level because it may be perceived the wrong way by your mate, their mate, outside parties, etc. And you assume they have nothing much to offer you since you've already found that 'person for you.' we're so inhibited by our plans and our decisions that we *think* are carved out, set in stone. burn your carvings. throw that stone into the ocean and watch it change form.
stay open.

plans usually limit you because plans are made by you; creations of only what you can imagine, and while some may dare to dream, most of us live in the realm of practicality and likelihood because its safer. you can't imagine something greater, something outside yourself, you don't imagine there are others as enlightening as those people that you've met and know at that moment. and you plan on a narrow foundation. not planning allows you to be open to a wider scope of probabilities, to all those things you thought could never happen, but somehow do (usually right around or after the time you think you've got it all figured out).

there's a quote on my wall that says 'dwell in possibility' and it doesn't mean to always be wanting something else or always be thinking about the future. at least not to me, to me it says, be open, be aware, that it is possible for anything to change at any time, for new doors to open, for old doors you thought would never shut to now be locked, you just never know.

love,

aimless peacock

ipod should get the heck out of my head...

the slew of songs that just came on my shuffle:

Stick with me Baby, Dont ever take your eyes off the game

The ring goes south, blowing changes

Last Place I felt free, The blowers daughter

Down the road, an ocean and a rock (away)

non fiction

why do they leave

pack a day

the return of the king, get it while you can

how many more times, to the end of the world

hope fails

ragtime annie lee

samwise the brave

Its practically poetry.

This take off, a departure

from myself, from desert dust

360 days and degrees alike

but now presented with a must.

With no set destination now

the path seems much more free

the potential course unlimited

unknown, the itinerary.

Many this would frighten

and while knots may disagree

half hitched and sliding along journey and not destination

is where my home will be.

Quite the contradiction

and so with caution I proceed

to assess the possibility

to qualify my need.

The Rockies seemed impossible

as did the San Juans' reds and greens

I'd like a rock like that find me

and bring me to my knees.

But then to grasp me by the gaze

and by example lead

open the map, drop a pine needle

and simply plant the seed.

Consequent action will decide

Deck dealt? Or still to deal?

Trip and travel not the only list

complementary, limitless, and real.

The Dying Animal by Philip Roth

What a great read. Great movie too (Elegy)

From, The Dying Animal

The main character's son, a college senior, gets a classmate pregnant, and goes to his father for advice....his father's reply:

"I reminded him that nobody could make him do what he didn't want to do. I said what I wished some forceful man had said to me when I was on the brink of making my mistake. I said, 'Living in a country like ours, whose key documents are all about emancipation, all directed at guaranteeing individual liberty, living in a free system that is basically indifferent to how you behave as long as the behavior is lawful, the misery that comes your way is most likely to be self-generated. It would be another matter if you were living in Nazi-occupied Europe or in Communist-dominated Europe or in Mae Zedong's China. There they manufacture the misery for you; you don't have to take a single wrong step in order never to want to get up in the morning. But here, free of totalitarianism, a man like you has to provide himself his own misery. You, moreover, are intelligent, articulate, good-looking, well educated--you are made to thrive in a country like this one. Here the only tyrant lying in wait will be convention, which is not to be taken lightly either. Read Tocqueville, if you haven't yet. He's not outdated, not on the subject of 'men being forced through the same sieve.' The point is that you shouldn't think that you miraculously have to become a beatnik or a bohemian or a hippie to elude the the trammels of convention. Successfully doing so doesn't require exaggerations of conduct or oddities of dress that are alien to your temperament and your upbringing. Not at all. All you have to do, Ken, is to find your force. You have it, I know you have it--it is immobilized only by the newness of the predicament. If you want to live intelligently beyond the blackmail of the slogans and the unexamined rules, you have only to find your own...' Et cetera, et cetera. The Declaration of Independence. The Bill of Rights. The Gettysburg Address. The Emancipation Proclamation. The Fourteenth Amendment. All three of the Civil War amendments...

I know all the objections that a pure and moral young man can give to claiming personal sovereignty. I know all the admirable labels to attach to not asserting one's sovereignty. Well, Kenny's difficulty is that he must be admirable whatever the cost. He lives in fear of a woman telling him he's not. "Selfish" is the word that cripples him. You selfish bastard. He's terrified of that judgment, so that's the judgment that rules."

Ryan Holiday's food for thought...

"Here's the thing, I could make that all into some dramatic story - like it was this harrowing experience that stays with me - but to be frank, I have almost no recollection of that time...Narration conveniently ignores the day we laid around and watched tv and the week where we were sure we were going to quit but didn't. It's just not honest...We are wired to think a certain way - linearly, towards purpose, in terms of justification..I don't think it's a fight you can win on your own - it takes people on both sides, cynical and optimistic to keep you centered."


please click and read and THINK.

plan?

Plan:"A detailed proposal" for achievement, "decided on and arranged for in advance."

Both a noun and a verb.  To have a plan to plan.

Take an action to

Make an action.

Moving forward always.

For some its enough to have any plan.

For some it must be one of their own, 

not decided or influenced by their parents or significant other.

For others its too much to even think of a plan, let alone have one.

For me, purpose exists without plan.

Some of the best things in my life have happened to me

When things didn't go as planned

Or when there was no plan for it to happen

For some, plan exists without purpose.

For comfort, to have an answer when asked.

I need not answer to anyone but myself, this I know.

But right now, my self is asking, "What's your plan?"

My purposeless intentions

May need to be questioned

Will staying open

end up slamming doors?

"Once you attain a certain state, life gives you another goal.  The horizon goes on and on running in front of you, you never reach it, you are always on the way--always reaching, just reaching.  And if you understand that, then the whole tension of the mind disappears, because the tension is to seek a goal, to arrive somewhere...Life is not stagnant--it is flowing and flowing, and there is no other shore.  Once you understand this you start enjoying the journey itself.  Each step is a goal, and there is no goal...Then there is no tension because there is nowhere to go, so you cannot go astray."

-Osho

can questions lie?

must a funk be analyzed,
broken down,
categorized,
justified,
explained
to be gotten out of?
because i don't want to know why i'm here.
i just don't want to be.
or maybe i do? maybe i don't want to face the truth of what i am feeling and why?

can't i just leave question marks?
and use them as a ladder?
is there an escape?
is that the answer?

Selfish self discovery?

The article linked below is a good one about a topic close to my heart.

All we have in this life is ourselves. I was not put on this earth to have children, to make a husband happy, or to find the cure for cancer. (I couldn't believe it when someone accused me of being selfish when I said I did not want to have children later in life. I don't even HAVE the children yet...how is it selfish? I am NOT HAVING them in part so that my pursuits to know and better myself don't take away from their lives. But they aren't ALIVE yet...how could it be selfish if their is no one to be selfishly affecting?) While I am here, I owe it to myself to make the most of my time here, as do you. In doing so, I have been told that I've touched others to do the same in their own lives, find their purpose, travel, make their own mind up about the way they want to live their lives in a way they never gave themselves the option or chance to do before. So, you see, if we all take care of ourselves, truly getting in touch with real happiness, not materialistic happiness, not happiness through power and control, that positive energy will emanate out to improve the world.

But it all starts from within. And its not selfish. My recent read of Eat Pray Love really hits this home as well, a huge theme being, when you set out to help yourself, you end up helping others.

http://www.srichinmoybio.co.uk/blog/life/is-self-discovery-a-selfish-act/

speechless...

...twice in one night...

Massachusetts

The sun slid down behind the Tappan Zee, and I slid down the Atlantic Coast.
My GPS and cell phone batteries drained, as were my own.
One last beautiful 287 sky allowed me the peace of mind to reflect on my visit up north.
It was so great to see Grampa, and I had such a fun, liberating drive up; it was so great to see him with his two dogs who keep him young. But goodbyes get harder as loved ones get older, and the lump in my throat was forming the night before; the cold firm grip that reality has on my jaw, holding my face in place, so I have to look and can't squirm away from the examination of our eventual, inescapable, everlooming mortality.
Reading helps, of course - did you know "hobo" is short for HOmeward BOund? - in that its both a satisfying experience for my brain, in that its an escape, but also a productive commentary on the shadows cast over the day...

When you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt - this is not selfishness; it is your duty (and also you entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight
-Eat, Pray, Love

home alone

I was surprised when the sadness didn't come as and when I expected.
Now I'm learning that it will come when it wants, and stay as long as it wants too, without knocking.
Goodbye to my family until Christmas, goodbye to my love until a time yet to be planned, goodbye to my dear friend until Buddha knows when...these are indeed transitory and transitional times for all of us.

off to embrace the alone time with a book...

a weekend and a half...

It was a weekend and a half...figuratively and literally...and so much has happened. I'm now homeless which allowed for some major family bonding, and the beginning of some serious hobo vagabonding. Eleven free slurpees, three poolsides, one seaside, and more from oz...
The fortune teller machine card printed, "You may be traveling down a yellow brick road..."

what if i lose happy

So its times like these when i hope no one really reads this. yes i know people do, but when my thoughts keep me awake, and there is no one in particular to talk to, writing here means the world is there listening to me, instead of just my computer or notebook of paper. and when i say world, i don't even mean all the particular individuals that compose the world. i mean it in the sense of mother earth, or simply the living breathing organism that is the internet, more just the collective rather than some sort of scary 'i hope someone, anyone reads this'...just the world as a whole...a personification.

i'm just wondering about happy. i am and have been for quite some time now. i think, somewhat irrationally perhaps but at 4am nothing is clearly definable by reason, that i've credited happiness with all of the good things that have happened to me in this time. and we all know that you are a better person to those in your life when you are happy. less likely to argue, get irritated, take things personally, let things bottle up, even take things in TO bottle up. so chicken or egg here. i always thought it was very neat that you are less likely to have problems if you are happy. but maybe, like those unhappy people always told me, they would be happier if they had less problems. and these problems are in our head half the time. for me to be happy, i need to feel healthy, fit, intellectually occupied, stimulated, and productive, be living my own schedule, be living a varied, never monotonous schedule, and have enough alone time. its starting to seem, and never did before, or maybe its just tonight and i'm making generalizations that i shouldn't, that this is a lot of work to maintain. a lot of these things could even be stricken from my control. when i thought it was easy, i scoffed at the unhappy people in my life...'don't they get it? if they just turned on what makes them happy, they wouldn't attract all this negativity or have to be so hard on the ones they love which is in turn making them unhappy.'

i clearly need a more 3D medium, a kind of tangible thought web to follow and organize these thoughts, but i'm also thinking here about where lies the real you. when you are happy and so less argumentative, less grouchy, isn't that just some kind of brain chemical prozac. is it really your reaction to the things people do to you and they way the treat you if your happiness makes you more likely to let things roll off your back? certainly when i'm unhappy, i noticed increased irritability that doesn't feel REAL. being very conscious of these things, i identify it as 'not me, just my bad mood.' but then couldn't the same be said for happy...'not me, just my good mood.' where then do you find your justice for what you really think is right and wrong in how people treat you; where is your guide for whether or not that thing is really making you angry, or whether your anger was simply looking for an outlet? i've always simply used the way i emotionally react as my gauge...people have said to me ' oh that SHOULD make you angry' and instead of becoming angry because most people would, i assess whether or not the thing really bothers me. but if its a little thing that changes depending on mood, where is the truth?

and what happens if i stop being as cool, flexible, laid back, low maintenance as a friend, optimistic?
do you stop attracting positivity or does it stop attracting you?
and who will be left of the fair weather friends?

Always Be Yourself.

"Always be yourself. Your loud, brave, unabashed, scandalous, original, exceptional, truly magnificent, self-lovin’, horn-tootin’, crowd-wavin’, kiss-blowin’ self.

Always be yourself. You may face criticism, dirty looks & gossip over the back fence, but at least you will have honoured yourself, done your best, been true & authentic.

Always be yourself. No one else shines like you — nor can they illuminate a room, thrill onlookers or shatter perceptions in the amazing way you do.

Always be yourself. Your life is yours alone, to do with as you please. Don’t feel that you have to serve other people; in the end, it is only you who matters.

Always be yourself. If you want to live the life of your dreams, you have to make it happen. No one else is going to do it for you. Get off your toosh, toots, & start!"

from: http://galadarling.com/article/quote-of-the-day-4th-june-2008

to each his own

"This gets me thinking. I am just the sum of the experiences that have fashioned my personality into the type of person who has to make a big deal about being sustainable. A stockbroker is just the sum of the experiences that fashion his or her personality into the type of person who digs playing the market. There's no better or worse. No Impact just becomes the practice that works for me. Playing the market is the practice that works for someone else.

If I can maintain that attitude, if I can understand the human motivations and values that underpin everyone's actions, even if I don't necessarily agree with them, I have a chance of meeting people on common ground and talking to them, not as a person who is morally superior, but as a friend. And people listen more openly to their friends.

... I want to attract people and change their minds, I need to understand them and their foibles and appreciate them for the fact that they may be able to offer some great pointers on lipstick and sunglasses. Think what the people of the world would look like if they all dressed like environmentalists. Would that even be a world worth saving?"

from: http://noimpactman.typepad.com/blog/2008/05/sustainable-liv.html

memories

when asked if i think about the man i loved for a whole fifth of my life,
i can honestly answer that days sometimes go by without a thought.
when asked if i think about the man who raised me for the first fifth of my life,
i can honestly answer, again, that days pass, and when a thought appears, there is no accompanying emotion.
am i without a heart?
i like to think i'm simply more without strings
there are some, keeping me grounded to this moment, perhaps
but when each day allows for re-creation of this person i call myself
i need not be defined by the people, places, and things i've moved on from
on this the eve of a very big move
i'm mired in memories
deciding which to take
which to leave behind
which to donate
and which to discard
its a tiresome process, that demands nostalgia, measurement of pricelessness, and selectivity of necessity.
in the end, like my friend said, 'its just stuff.'
i still possess only two items from my childhood,
and will keep only one.
each year of your life becomes a smaller percentage of your life as time passes
and you own proportionally less from each era.
so many things being gifts, representing hard earned money of loved ones...i'm left with much to store.
and with them, i'm storing away that person who owned all those things
and realizing how much it feels like i could not even call that person me
the things changed, the things lost, the things forgotten...
and so this passage spoke to me:

"...how a file opens the door to a vast sunken labyrinth of the forgotten past, but how, too, the very act of opening the door itself changes the buried artifacts, like an archaeologist letting in fresh air to a sealed Egyptian tomb.
For these are not simply past experiences rediscovered in their original state. Even without the fresh light...our memories decay or sharpen, mellow or sour, with the passage of time and the change of circumstances...But with the fresh light the memory changes irrevocably. A door opens, but another closes. There is no way back now to your own earlier memory of that person, that event. It is like a revelation made, years later, to a loved one. Or like a bad divorce, where today's bitterness transforms all the shared past, completely, miserably, seemingly forever. Except that this bitter memory, too, will fade and change with the further passage of time.
So what we have is nothing less than an infinity of memories of any moment, event, or person: memories that change slowly always, with every passing second, but now and then dramatically, after some jolt or revelation. Like one of those digital photographs whose every color, tint, or detail can be changed on a computer screen, except that here we're not in control and can't revert at will to an earlier image. They say "The past is a foreign country," but actually the past is another universe.
-The File, Timothy Garton Ash

motivational

This guys words really get inside me...

to quote the parts I like...
"The more I read the more I become convinced that life's only meaning from that which ascribe to it. That purpose exists only when your project and live it daily....
...Although I might not have reached true actualization, I am well on my way to warming up. Everyday I get up and I scratch a little at the walls that society sets up to prevent you from getting there. That my purpose is to be involved in the creation and furtherance of public discourse, so each book I read and word I write is the functioning of my soul. Happiness comes from action, and that action must be excellent...
...When we fail to tell people this, they lose life in the forest for all the trees--clutching with the vastness of it all, when what they need is tiny enough to hold. Some of us know this and are happy--and productive. Others know this and refuse to admit it, drowning the simplicity with alcohol or drugs....
...Excellence here becomes excellence there, and combined they equal the ultimate excellence: happiness. It seems to be logical, if happiness is that which we all aspire too, it must be the most excellent--and only through excellent action are we excellent....
...Read and read often. Act in moderation. Resist the pleasures and pains that distract you. Wake each morning prepared for exertion. Do not sleep or leave the gym until you have. Drench the ground in your sweat, fill the pages with words. The Resistance will dog you the entire way, pay it no attention. When you diverge from the path, look inwards and correct--dedicate a second to chastisement and move on. But most importantly, realize that not knowing your purpose is no excuse for stasis. Even if the destination has yet to reveal itself, you still must be ready for the call. Prepare, be active, and be open. Only then will you find happiness and contentment. I have had only a small taste, but I at least know it's worth every bit of effort."

like now.

agreed, ryan.
and yet sometimes,
like now,
i wonder how much more happy i'd be
if i wasn't always checking in with myself,
asking why.
if i wasn't so undeniably aware
of every little emotion, thought, and reaction
if it wasn't now so automatic
to scrutinize the often inscrutible
til it becomes
excruciating
like now.

does a gypsy grow up?

Getting coffee this morning, i overheard a lady saying her husband was leaving her to see the world, leaving today with the Black Crowes. Turns out he is 'tech' and travels around with different bands on tour. This has resulted in their divorce. The discussion of freedom in relationships and long distance is for another post and another time, but it got me thinking again...
I wonder when and if it will ever happen, and i wonder what i'll do if it doesn't.
What i'm talking about is the idea of being settled in to a place or job. As it stands now, i'm so very excited about the idea that i don't yet know where my life will lead me. I have no definite plan or goal for it to be anywhere in particular in 3, 5, or 10 years, and i love the mystery. What scared me away greatly from my last relationship was the idea that i saw it all unfolding before me very tangibly and visibly, the marriage, the house, the job, the dogs, the kids even. And it would have been just fine, certainly nothing to objectionable for any normal person's life really, but i didn't like the idea that i knew, predictably, how things would go for years to come in my future. In addition, i was not ready to say at that point, and really am still not, that marriage and kids are for me. Keeping me afloat right now is that idea that i will soon sail away from this place and my job, with its disillusioning effects on my idealism, and start a new lifestyle in a new, unfamiliar place. I sauntered out of the gym after a work out last night, looked up at the damp sky and realized how freeing it felt to NOT know if and when i would be married, if and when i would have a house, if and when i would have children, if and when i would have a job with real responsibilities. Some might even consider me immature for this viewpoint, but i say to them, who says i have to live my life according to their timetable of "mature" stepping stones if i choose not to? I know and hold this to be true, but the fact remains that i'm likely to need and find a job that keeps me in one place for some extended period of time, no? Or maybe it will happen when i'm happy to stay in one place for an extended period of time and it will cause no dissonance. I still feel concerned, however, that just the simple IDEA of being in one place for too long will creep in and begin to erode the happiness i may have found. I consider myself to be happy in this place and job and still, if i saw myself here for any more than 4 years...the thought of that turns my stomach. Could it be just a phase? For now, this post being published is the extent and conclusion of my concern, as my 'unsettlement' thus far has brought me into my most authentic self yet, and i've never felt better.