Weekend retreat in Edgewood

House sitting for Cari, Glenn, and Anni...

This is Jesse...

This is their awesome, relaxing back deck...
This is the front porch. Sisco posed so nicely for me...
This is the cute little path they built, complete with a fountain/watering hole for the dogs...
This morning I took a wandering drive towards those mountains, following dirt roads to their end. This is the view Cari and Glenn get to see every morning when they drive down towards Rt. 40 to go to UNM. The picture doesn't do it justice at all. I plan to bring people up this way when they come to visit me just because the drive is gorgeous, and you really can see forever, it seems.

This is the front porch, complete with my two new buddies: Riley, the yellow lab, and Sisco, the lab/husky mix...Riley is the sweetest and follows me everywhere. I feel very safe here alone with these two guys keeping watch...

This is the sunset Mel and I saw the other day. She took this shot while I drove. It was magnificent. THIS is the New Mexico I came here for. THIS is the inspiring horizon that harmonizes with my soul, that resonates and satisfies my need to feel free. Its so peaceful and quiet here, far from the highway, far from malls and shopping, far from any hustle or bustle, a place to really slow life down and enjoy it to the fullest.

The Dying Animal by Philip Roth

What a great read. Great movie too (Elegy)

From, The Dying Animal

The main character's son, a college senior, gets a classmate pregnant, and goes to his father for advice....his father's reply:

"I reminded him that nobody could make him do what he didn't want to do. I said what I wished some forceful man had said to me when I was on the brink of making my mistake. I said, 'Living in a country like ours, whose key documents are all about emancipation, all directed at guaranteeing individual liberty, living in a free system that is basically indifferent to how you behave as long as the behavior is lawful, the misery that comes your way is most likely to be self-generated. It would be another matter if you were living in Nazi-occupied Europe or in Communist-dominated Europe or in Mae Zedong's China. There they manufacture the misery for you; you don't have to take a single wrong step in order never to want to get up in the morning. But here, free of totalitarianism, a man like you has to provide himself his own misery. You, moreover, are intelligent, articulate, good-looking, well educated--you are made to thrive in a country like this one. Here the only tyrant lying in wait will be convention, which is not to be taken lightly either. Read Tocqueville, if you haven't yet. He's not outdated, not on the subject of 'men being forced through the same sieve.' The point is that you shouldn't think that you miraculously have to become a beatnik or a bohemian or a hippie to elude the the trammels of convention. Successfully doing so doesn't require exaggerations of conduct or oddities of dress that are alien to your temperament and your upbringing. Not at all. All you have to do, Ken, is to find your force. You have it, I know you have it--it is immobilized only by the newness of the predicament. If you want to live intelligently beyond the blackmail of the slogans and the unexamined rules, you have only to find your own...' Et cetera, et cetera. The Declaration of Independence. The Bill of Rights. The Gettysburg Address. The Emancipation Proclamation. The Fourteenth Amendment. All three of the Civil War amendments...

I know all the objections that a pure and moral young man can give to claiming personal sovereignty. I know all the admirable labels to attach to not asserting one's sovereignty. Well, Kenny's difficulty is that he must be admirable whatever the cost. He lives in fear of a woman telling him he's not. "Selfish" is the word that cripples him. You selfish bastard. He's terrified of that judgment, so that's the judgment that rules."

an ocean's night

an ocean's night keeps you from me

never again to see you at seven p.m.

sunshine's droop

reflecting smile's droop

refracting off sparkling moments of solitude

eight hours of my day

eight hours of yours

sixteen hours of sleep

collectively steal our contact

limited time on an already

limited budget

crowded with debits of touch

deep in deficit of skin

still in surplus of love

time isn't money

since it is priceless.

le voyageur de l'esprit

at the intersection of pompous and genius
at the corner of pretention and philosophy
(judgement in the mind of the beholder)
where postulations undulate
and books' breathe contented sighs
romance in the flourish of a pencil
lead appears as love on another full page
a blooming not in soil but in skull
a synapse's spark
lighting the candle
that burns midnight's oil
and illuminates the map
when thought becomes a journey,
journey becomes a thought.
destination is discovery
untouched grounds
founded in freedom
experience untouched
save for one.























for roo

plan?

Plan:"A detailed proposal" for achievement, "decided on and arranged for in advance."

Both a noun and a verb.  To have a plan to plan.

Take an action to

Make an action.

Moving forward always.

For some its enough to have any plan.

For some it must be one of their own, 

not decided or influenced by their parents or significant other.

For others its too much to even think of a plan, let alone have one.

For me, purpose exists without plan.

Some of the best things in my life have happened to me

When things didn't go as planned

Or when there was no plan for it to happen

For some, plan exists without purpose.

For comfort, to have an answer when asked.

I need not answer to anyone but myself, this I know.

But right now, my self is asking, "What's your plan?"

My purposeless intentions

May need to be questioned

Will staying open

end up slamming doors?

"Once you attain a certain state, life gives you another goal.  The horizon goes on and on running in front of you, you never reach it, you are always on the way--always reaching, just reaching.  And if you understand that, then the whole tension of the mind disappears, because the tension is to seek a goal, to arrive somewhere...Life is not stagnant--it is flowing and flowing, and there is no other shore.  Once you understand this you start enjoying the journey itself.  Each step is a goal, and there is no goal...Then there is no tension because there is nowhere to go, so you cannot go astray."

-Osho

...with friendship and independence

you're a voice in a box
a face on a screen
some words on some paper
how much does it mean
to chase down this knowing
to seek this unknown
to fill up our minds
and hope our heart's sewn

Nothing Brings Me Down

"Home alone and happy
Nothing brings me down
Full of wine, unsteady
Nothing brings me down
What's left of the rain runs down my roof
Nothing brings me down
The night is lush the air is still
Nothing brings me down

Dum dum dum dum dum dum

The windows are open, the flies are in
Nothing brings me down
The phones are off the music's on
Nothing brings me down

Dum dum dum dum dum dum

Home alone and happy
Nothing brings me down
My love for you is ready
Nothing brings me down
My love for you is ready"

-lyrics from the Emiliana Torrini song

can questions lie?

must a funk be analyzed,
broken down,
categorized,
justified,
explained
to be gotten out of?
because i don't want to know why i'm here.
i just don't want to be.
or maybe i do? maybe i don't want to face the truth of what i am feeling and why?

can't i just leave question marks?
and use them as a ladder?
is there an escape?
is that the answer?

succasunna

this town feels so different
so sleepy
so quiet
paranoia probably the only one with its eyes on me
as i feel glares from the woods
tonight
instead of scurrying inside
i stood outside as the dusk fell
and forced myself to look around
proving to myself that nothing is amiss
-like forcing your tensed shoulders to relax in the harsh winter cold
and realizing you are warmer that way-
nothing to hide from
or lock myself away from
just sleepy
just quiet
just home

Massachusetts

The sun slid down behind the Tappan Zee, and I slid down the Atlantic Coast.
My GPS and cell phone batteries drained, as were my own.
One last beautiful 287 sky allowed me the peace of mind to reflect on my visit up north.
It was so great to see Grampa, and I had such a fun, liberating drive up; it was so great to see him with his two dogs who keep him young. But goodbyes get harder as loved ones get older, and the lump in my throat was forming the night before; the cold firm grip that reality has on my jaw, holding my face in place, so I have to look and can't squirm away from the examination of our eventual, inescapable, everlooming mortality.
Reading helps, of course - did you know "hobo" is short for HOmeward BOund? - in that its both a satisfying experience for my brain, in that its an escape, but also a productive commentary on the shadows cast over the day...

When you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt - this is not selfishness; it is your duty (and also you entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight
-Eat, Pray, Love

home alone

I was surprised when the sadness didn't come as and when I expected.
Now I'm learning that it will come when it wants, and stay as long as it wants too, without knocking.
Goodbye to my family until Christmas, goodbye to my love until a time yet to be planned, goodbye to my dear friend until Buddha knows when...these are indeed transitory and transitional times for all of us.

off to embrace the alone time with a book...

evolution of a non-thought

i sit.
here.
cross legged.
in a black swivel chair.
at a black desk.
in a brick walled room.
with carpet.
my mind...

[empty]

nothing to think
only observation
people here drive red cars
more than where i'm from
where everything is silver
because no one wants to really say anything
or stand out
not that they do here
all they are probably saying here
may be blind patriotism
or maybe just...
today,
there are lots of red cars.

there are a lot of things i don't know
things i know nothing of
things i couldn't answer correctly regarding
things i don't know i don't know
and perception is a funny thing
and where you are coming from in your mind
will often answer for you
before the question asked, nevermind pondered

and where all of these things may be
uncertain
unimportant
insignificant
is where the
certain
important
significance
of this begins

the significant
importance
of (whatfeelslikebutiwouldneversayis) certainty

my eyelids are so heavy
weighed down
by all the ~unbelievable~ beauty they've (be)held
in the last three days
and tired from staying awake
to savor such scarce magical reality
tired,
-its why i have no brain
with which to think right now-
and without need
-oftimes knowing requires no thought-
its simplicity
truth just is
and allows me
to just be.
peaceful. free. here.

does a gypsy grow up?

Getting coffee this morning, i overheard a lady saying her husband was leaving her to see the world, leaving today with the Black Crowes. Turns out he is 'tech' and travels around with different bands on tour. This has resulted in their divorce. The discussion of freedom in relationships and long distance is for another post and another time, but it got me thinking again...
I wonder when and if it will ever happen, and i wonder what i'll do if it doesn't.
What i'm talking about is the idea of being settled in to a place or job. As it stands now, i'm so very excited about the idea that i don't yet know where my life will lead me. I have no definite plan or goal for it to be anywhere in particular in 3, 5, or 10 years, and i love the mystery. What scared me away greatly from my last relationship was the idea that i saw it all unfolding before me very tangibly and visibly, the marriage, the house, the job, the dogs, the kids even. And it would have been just fine, certainly nothing to objectionable for any normal person's life really, but i didn't like the idea that i knew, predictably, how things would go for years to come in my future. In addition, i was not ready to say at that point, and really am still not, that marriage and kids are for me. Keeping me afloat right now is that idea that i will soon sail away from this place and my job, with its disillusioning effects on my idealism, and start a new lifestyle in a new, unfamiliar place. I sauntered out of the gym after a work out last night, looked up at the damp sky and realized how freeing it felt to NOT know if and when i would be married, if and when i would have a house, if and when i would have children, if and when i would have a job with real responsibilities. Some might even consider me immature for this viewpoint, but i say to them, who says i have to live my life according to their timetable of "mature" stepping stones if i choose not to? I know and hold this to be true, but the fact remains that i'm likely to need and find a job that keeps me in one place for some extended period of time, no? Or maybe it will happen when i'm happy to stay in one place for an extended period of time and it will cause no dissonance. I still feel concerned, however, that just the simple IDEA of being in one place for too long will creep in and begin to erode the happiness i may have found. I consider myself to be happy in this place and job and still, if i saw myself here for any more than 4 years...the thought of that turns my stomach. Could it be just a phase? For now, this post being published is the extent and conclusion of my concern, as my 'unsettlement' thus far has brought me into my most authentic self yet, and i've never felt better.

valentine love

People have it ALL wrong today:
I heard: "On Valentines Day people in relationships celebrate love, and single people celebrate independence"

in a good relationship...you celebrate both, and every day!!

I read: "Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence"- HL Mencken

for me, Love is the culmination of both equally and the beauty of each enhancing the other in cyclical fashion!!!

you can do it too! advanced simplicty!

'neath the stars

"I saw then that my sense of me being me was exactly the same thing as my sensation of being one with the whole cosmos. I did not need to have some sort of different, odd kind of experience to feel in total connection with everything. Once you get the clue you see that the sense of unity is inseparable from the sense of difference. You would not know yourself, or what you meant by self, unless at the same time you had the feeling of other.
Now the secret is that the other eventually turns out to be you. The element of surprise in life is when suddenly you find the thing most alien turns out to be yourself. Go out at night and look at the stars and realize that they are millions and billions of miles away, vast conflagrations far out in space. You can lie back and look at that and say "Well, surely I hardly matter. I am just a tiny little speck aboard this weird spotted bit of dust called earth....

this guy knows what we're talking about

..and all that was going on out there billions of years before I was born and will still be going on billions of years after I die." Nothing seems stranger to you than that, or more different from you, yet there comes a point, if you watch long enough, when you will say "Why that's me!" It is the other that is the condition of your being yourself, as the back is the condition of being the front, and when you know that, you will never die."
-Alan Watts, Eastern Wisdom, Modern Life

why not change our names? some things we won't recognize . .
some will remain the same
some people roll a stone . .
find out they were never really even in their home

underneath the stars there are a million ways to be the way you are . .
all of them dying
underneath the rays there'll be a million ways to live the days ahead . .
why are we crying?

there were words . . on my skin . .
you touched them & they woke again . . now they're on the wind . .
-railroad earth, 'neath the stars

and yet...sometimes? ...you can still find yourself completely disconnected and completely, completely alone, in the most beautiful sense.

and then it happened...

"To be alone is the only real revolution.
To accept that you are alone is the greatest transformation that can happen to you."
-Osho

A collaboration: So may it secretly begin...a story within a story.

What do you want?
Travels
It's for you!
-Are we there yet?-
Don't wait!

fear and trembling
have you heard?
better days ahead: the good life

are you going with me into the dream? follow me
memory:
every summer night
down here on the ground

naked moon
secret beach
have you heard the sound of water

towards the light, never too far away
and then i knew, understanding
a change in circumstance

he's gone away, home, oasis
if i could
i will find the way
the road to you
not to be forgotten
on her way
always and forever

proof:
When we were free, the truth will always be.
Alone. Discovery. Acceptance.

(all song titles thanks to Pat Metheny)

balance

"When feeling balanced, one is free.
In that very balance is freedom, in that very balance is equilibrium, tranquility, silence.

When the head is too much...it does not allow anything that is not profitable to exist. And all joy is profitless, all joy is just playfulness; it has no purpose. Love is play, it has no purpose; so is dance, so is beauty. All that is significant to the heart is meaningless to reason.

So in the beginning one has to put much investment into the heart so the balance is achieved. One has almost to lean too much toward the heart. One has to go to the other extreme to create the balance. By and by one comes into the middle, but first one has to go to the other extreme, because reason has dominated too much."
-Osho, Everyday Osho

hibernation...

"There is no need to remain warm for twenty-four hours. That would be tiring. One needs a little rest. When you are cold, the energy is moving inward; when you are warm, the energy is moving outward. Of course, other people would like you always to be warm, because then your energy moves toward them. When you are cold, your energy is not moving toward them, so they feel offended. They will tell you that you are cold. But it is for you to decide.
In those cold moments you hibernate, you go within your being. Those are meditative moments. So this is my suggestion -- when you feel cold, close the doors from relationships and moving with people. Feeling that you are cold, go home and meditate. That is the right moment to meditate. With energy itself moving in, you can ride on it and go to the very innermost core of your being. There will be no fight. You can simply move with the current. And when you are feeling warm, move out. Forget all about meditation. Be loving. Use both states, and don't worry about it."

Osho, excerpt from Everyday Osho

...wishing I had seen this right after the holidays, though glad to know i've been true to it lately, before reading it...

Palmyra

The first five minutes of Edgar Meyer's Palmyra follows the drain
where am i?
physically?
staring at my ceiling.
might as well be the stars
the planets
the (non existent) heavens
what matters not is where i am
but how very insignificant...
though that matters not as well.
where am i?
simply retreating?
possibly.
music and these thoughts
all that matter(s)
not.