can questions lie?

must a funk be analyzed,
broken down,
categorized,
justified,
explained
to be gotten out of?
because i don't want to know why i'm here.
i just don't want to be.
or maybe i do? maybe i don't want to face the truth of what i am feeling and why?

can't i just leave question marks?
and use them as a ladder?
is there an escape?
is that the answer?

Funny 'cuz its True

More Bill Bryson from The Lost Continent

"Having gone without dinner the night before, I intended to indulge myself in that greatest of all American gustatory pleasures - going out for Sunday breakfast.

Everybody in America goes out for Sunday breakfast. It is such a popular pastime that you generally have to line up for a table, but it's always worth the wait. Indeed, the inability to achieve instant oral gratification is such an unusual experience in America that lining up actually intensifies the pleasure. You wouldn't want to do it all the time, of course, you wouldn't want to get British about it or anything, but once a week for twenty minutes is "kinda neat," as they say. One reason you have to line up is that it take the waitress about thirty minutes just to take each order. First you have to tell her whether you want your eggs sunny-side up, over easy, scrambled, poached, parboiled, or in an omelette, and in an omelette, whether you want it to be a plain, cheese, vegetable, hot-spicy, or chocolate nut 'n' fudge omelette; and then you have to decide whether you want your toast on white, rye, whole wheat, sourdough, or pumpernickel bread and whether you want whipped butter, pat butter, or low-cholesterol butter substitute; and then there's a complicated period of negotiation in which you ask if you can have cornflakes instead of the cinnamon roll and link sausages instead of patties. So the waitress, who is only sixteen years old and not real smart, has to go off to the manager and ask him whether that's possible, and she comes back and tells you that you can't have cornflakes instead of the cinnamon roll, but you can have Idaho frieds instead of the short stack of pancakes, or you can have an English muffin and bacon instead of whole wheat toast, but only if you order a side of hashed browns and a large orange juice. This is unacceptable to you, and you decide that you will have waffles instead, so the waitress has to rub everything out with her nubby eraser and start all over again. And across the room the line on the other side of the "Please Wait to Be Seated" board grows longer and longer, but the people don't mind because the food smells so good and, anyway, all this waiting is, as I say, kinda neat."

Shoulda got a Mac...

thanks...http://faildogs.com/

The Lost Continent 2

One more, because this one deserves an entry of its own, haha!

...inside a Pennsylvania Dutch restaurant...
"We were ushered into the dining room with nine strangers and all seated together at one big trestle table.
There must have been fifty other such tables in the room...
I've never seen so much food. I couldn't see over the top of my plate. It was all delicious...I ate so much my armpits bulged. But still the food kept coming. Just when I thought I would have to summon a wheelchair to get me to the car, the waitress took away all the platters and bowls, and started bringing desserts--apple pies, chocolate pies, bowls of home-made ice cream, pastries, flans and God knows what else.
I kept eating. It was too delicious to pass up. Buttons popped off my shirt; my trousers burst open. I barely had the strength to lift my spoon, but I kept shoveling the stuff in. It was grotesque. Food began to leak from my ears. And still I ate. I ate more food that night than some African villagers eat in a lifetime. Eventually, mercifully, the waitress prised the spoons out of our hands and took the dessert stuff away, and we were able to stumble zombielike out into the night.
We got into the car, too full to speak...I felt as if I had eaten the contents of a cement mixer. I lay on the back seat of the car, my feet in the air, and moaned softly. I vowed that I would never eat again, and meant it. But two hours later, when we arrived back at my brother's house, the agony had abated and my brother and I were able to begin a new cycle of gross overconsumption, beginning with a twelve-pack of beer and bucket of pretzels from his kitchen and concluding, in the early hours of the evening, with a plate of onion rings and two-foot-long submarine sandwiches, full of goo and spices, at an all-night eatery out on Highway 11."

-The Lost Continent, Bill Bryson

The Lost Continent

Bill Bryson is amazing. I can't wait to read all of his other books. I'm not quite done with this one, but wanted to share so of the best passages so far. His wit, sarcasm, and ebb and flow in pace are ideal for a book like this. If you've ever taken, or ever WANTED to take a cross country road trip, please read it. Being someone that has done that, it was exciting to read how his take on various places, like the Grand Canyon, were almost my words exactly for describing the experience, suggesting something very undeniable and universally moving about the oddities and beauties of the United States.

"The last time I had been in New York was when I was sixteen and my friend Stan and I came out to visit my brother and his wife, who were living there then. They had an apartment in a strange, Kafkaesque apartment complex in Queens called Lefrak City. It consisted of about a dozen identical tall, featureless buildings clustered around a series of lonesome quadrangles, the sort of quadrangles where rain puddles stand for weeks and the flowerbeds are littered with supermarket carts. Each building was like a vertical city, with its own grocery store, drugstore, laundromat and so on. I don't remember the details except that each building was taller than the tallest building in Des Moines and that the total population was something like 50,000--bigger than most Iowa towns. I had never conceived of so many people gathered in one place. I couldn't understand why in such a big, open, country as America people would choose to live like that. It wasn't as if this were something temporary, a place to spend a few months while waiting for their ranch house in the suburbs to be built. This was home. This was it. Thousands and thousands of people would live out their lives never having their own backyard, never having a barbecue, never stepping out the back door at midnight to have a pee in the bushes and check out the stars. Their children would grow up thinking that supermarket carts grew wild, like weeds."

and in Vermont...
"One village I went through had about four stores and one of them was a Ralph Lauren Polo Shop. I couldn't think of anything worse than living in a place where you could buy a$200 sweater but not a can of baked beans. Actually, I could think of a lot of worse things--cancer of the brain, watching every episode of a TV miniseries starring Joan Collins, having to eat at a Burger Chef more than twice in one year, reaching for a glass of water in the middle of the night and finding that you've just taken a drink from your grandmother's denture cup, and so on. But I think you get my point."

and in Amish country...
"Travel articles and movies like Witness generally gloss over this side of things, but the fact is that Lancaster County is now one of the most awful places in America, especially on weekends when traffic jams sometimes stretch for miles. Many of the Amish themselves have given up and moved to places like Iowa and upper Michigan where they are left alone. Out in the countryside, particularly on the back roads, you can still sometimes see the people in their funny dark clothes working in the fields or driving their distinctive black buggies down the highway, with a long line of tourist cars creeping along behind, pissed off because they can't get by and they really want to be in a Bird in Hand so that they can get some more funnel cakes and SnoCones and perhaps buy a wrought-iron wine rack or combination mailbox-weather vane to take back home to Fartville with them. I wouldn't be surprised if a decade from now there isn't a real Amish person left in the country."

-The Lost Continent, Bill Bryson

Selfish self discovery?

The article linked below is a good one about a topic close to my heart.

All we have in this life is ourselves. I was not put on this earth to have children, to make a husband happy, or to find the cure for cancer. (I couldn't believe it when someone accused me of being selfish when I said I did not want to have children later in life. I don't even HAVE the children yet...how is it selfish? I am NOT HAVING them in part so that my pursuits to know and better myself don't take away from their lives. But they aren't ALIVE yet...how could it be selfish if their is no one to be selfishly affecting?) While I am here, I owe it to myself to make the most of my time here, as do you. In doing so, I have been told that I've touched others to do the same in their own lives, find their purpose, travel, make their own mind up about the way they want to live their lives in a way they never gave themselves the option or chance to do before. So, you see, if we all take care of ourselves, truly getting in touch with real happiness, not materialistic happiness, not happiness through power and control, that positive energy will emanate out to improve the world.

But it all starts from within. And its not selfish. My recent read of Eat Pray Love really hits this home as well, a huge theme being, when you set out to help yourself, you end up helping others.

http://www.srichinmoybio.co.uk/blog/life/is-self-discovery-a-selfish-act/

textbook excitement

Certainly can't recall ever being as exciting about a textbook as I was when I read this:

The old adage "You get out of it only what you put into it" aptly describes a cognitive perspective. Some students approach learning in passive and "shallow" ways, either failing to engage fully or relying heavily on rote memorization. Both cognitive research and our experience as educators tell us that the resultant learning is likely to be both superficial and transitory. In contrast, other students' attempts at learning clearly are aimed at deeper understanding; they relate new information to what they already know, organize it, and regularly check their comprehension.

-Cognitive Psychology and Instruction, by Roger H. Bruning (Author), Gregg J. Schraw (Author), Monica M. Norby (Author), Royce R. Ronning (Author)

So beautiful...

This song on its own is incredibly beautiful...if you have a chance, please find and listen...

But personally this week, my love was able to do this for me from a whole time zone away. He was able to make me feel safe, to make me feel like I could make it through the stress of uprooting my life to drive for 4 days through 3 time zones to reach an amazing but stressful destination which I had never before seen and now have to call home for 2 years. He was able to be so reassuring and supportive when I feared the change in circumstances may change us for the worse. He was able to show such faith in me, and his own pursuits inspired to continue my own. He was able to kiss away my tears, able to let me sleep in his arms...able to be the most amazing, beautiful, sensitive, understanding, patient, anddidisaybeautiful man who I am lucky enough to love.

Lay Down Beside Me (Alison Krauss featuring John Waite)
[John Waite:]
I've spent my life
Lookin for you
Findin' my way
Wasn't easy to do
But I knew there was you
All the while
And it's been worth
Every mile

So lay down beside me
Love me and hide me
And kiss all the hurtin'
Of this world away
Hold me so close
That I feel your heart beat
And don't ever wander away

[Alison Krauss:]
Mornings and evenings
All were the same
There was no music
Til I heard your name
I knew when I saw you smile
And now I can rest for a while

[Together:]
So lay down beside me
Love me and hide me
Kiss all the hurtin'
Of this world away
Hold me so close
That I feel your heart beat
And don't ever wander away

And hold me so close
That I feel your heart beat
And don't ever wander away

[she hums]
he sings
Love me and hide me

[both hum]
he sings
'Til I feel your heart beat

I'm not in Kansas anymore...

for more click here

thanks to Scientia potentia est

out of my mind...

....excited...a bluegrass band is performing on my campus tomorrow!

"Back-to-School with the Squash Blossom Boys

The Squash Blossom Boys, an eclectic bluegrass quintet hailing from Corrales and featuring UNM students, will perform the “back-to-school” UNM Greg Johnston Summer Concert Friday, Aug. 22, from noon – 1 p.m. on the University Honors Plaza.

Photo: The Squash Blossom Boys - 'Promoting Sustainability with a Twang'

The band combines elements of jazz, rock, reggae and traditional roots bluegrass to create a unique sound that explores the roots and boundaries of the musical genre.

Additionally, the band utilizes a carbon neutral solar trailer that uses energy from the sun through photovoltaic cells to power UNM events. Designed by Nate Campbell, a Sustainability Studies student at UNM, the inspirational trailer has the ability to reach a wide variety of audiences while appearing both inviting and professional. It is used as a means of education and networking in sustainability."

http://www.myspace.com/sbb

speechless...

...twice in one night...

Picture Tour from UNM Website

But really, please come visit for yourself!

Look Ma! No Hands!

Through much of Indiana, and certainly the rest of Kansas, there were no need for hands on the wheel. Thats not to say I drove with my knees or sans hands but its seriously different country out there. I saw signs boasting, "Lincoln County HAS jobs!", "Come see the World's Largest Prairie dog...only 60 miles to Entrance!" and in Colorado: "FREE LAND! We have water, we have land...we just need YOU!"

I was, however, completely charmed by the last 40 miles of Kansas and the first 40 of Colorado, as fields of sunflowers overflowed and the edges of the highway median held sunflowers rushing out to the cars flying by, "Thanks for coming! Thanks for visiting!"

Tonight I'm in Colorado Springs and I hope to get some good pictures of the Amazing mountains and Pikes Peak in the morning!

ROAD FOOD!

One of the best parts about a road trip, as everyone knows, is getting to eat all kinds of fun crap!
I got to stop at my beloved Hardees, and was able to hit up Jimmy Johns and Buffalo Wild Wings in Lawrence Kansas, along with a wonderful noodle shop called Zen Zero. Today was Red Robin's awesome Turkey, Bacon, Avocado sandwich on a croissant with bottomless steak fries, after starting the day off fittingly with a Colorado Omelette from IHOP...yum...

Word from the Wheel...

Left with nothing but profuse pondering from the wheel of my Mazda3, I reflected on the physical distance that will be between myself and my family and friends.
But especially one in particular...Life will not be the same without my museum buddy, my trad trawling, grateful dead devouring, ceramic swirling beer buddy; my tree hugging, road tripping, jet setting for China political advisor of a dear dear soul, Pete...
I raise this plastic glass of free Drury Inn white zin to you!

listen.

i love the expand and contract of his tummy
i love the rise and fall of his shoulders
i love the steady, solid beat i feel from his chest
i love the sexiness of his snoring
i love the linger of his lashes on his cheek

i love that a man like this could be alive.
and that i am lucky to listen to this life
as it lovely lies beside me.

Positively Priceless

SO GRATEFUL to be able to spend my last day with these 2 "shtunks."

yup.

"A few studies have examined full-time/part-time status and completion rates, but when it comes to actual student learning—basically nothing. This is not a standard of evidence that university professors would tolerate in their own research.

In other words, when it comes to the central enterprise of higher education—teaching students—we don't know if the reigning professional qualification system works, or how many professors we actually need. And this is true for all kinds of other basic elements of college teaching and learning—curricula, training, pedagogy, and much more...

The underlying cause of this remarkable information deficit is pretty clear: Colleges and universities don't really need to know—or want to know—the answers to these questions. They don’t need to know because student learning results are peripheral to the core incentive system in which they operate. University success is measured in terms of dollars raised, high-achieving students recruited, and prestigious scholarship produced—period. Even less selective institutions are highly influenced by these values. They may not have the research mission of the academic giants, but they share organizational models, practices, and ways of thinking, all of which cut against rigorous self-evaluation of teaching and learning."

from Kevin Carey's Where's the Data?

succasunna

this town feels so different
so sleepy
so quiet
paranoia probably the only one with its eyes on me
as i feel glares from the woods
tonight
instead of scurrying inside
i stood outside as the dusk fell
and forced myself to look around
proving to myself that nothing is amiss
-like forcing your tensed shoulders to relax in the harsh winter cold
and realizing you are warmer that way-
nothing to hide from
or lock myself away from
just sleepy
just quiet
just home

Eat Pray Love quotes

"...it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection."
-reference to the Bhagavad Gita from "Eat, Pray, Love"

"To create a family with a spouse is one of the most fundamental ways a person can find continuity and meaning in American (or any) society. I rediscover this truth every time I go to a big reunion of my mother's family in Minnesota and I see how everyone is held so reassuringly in their positions over the years. First you are a child, then you are a teenager, then you are a young married person, then you are a parent, then you are retired, then you are a grandparent-at every stage you know who you are, you know what your duty is and you know where to sit at the reunion. You sit with the other children, or teenagers, or young parents, or retirees. Until at last you are sitting with the ninety-year-olds in the shade, watching over your progeny with satisfaction. Who are you? No problem-you're the person who created all this. The satisfaction of this knowledge is immediate, and moreover, it's universally recognized. How many people have I heard claim their children as the greatest accomplishment and comfort of their lives? It's the thing they can always lean on during a metaphysical crisis, or a moment of doubt about their relevancy-If I have done nothing else in this life, then at least I have raised my children well."
-Eat, Pray, Love

wiser time

No time left now for shame
Horizon behind me, no more pain
Windswept stars blink and smile
Another song, another mile
You read the line every time
Ask me about crime in my mind
Ask me why another read song
Funny but I bet you never left home

On a good day, its not every day
We can part the sea
And on a bad day, its not every day
Glory beyond our reach
Seconds until sunrise
Tired but wiser for the time
Lightning 30 miles away
Three thousand more in two days
-the black crowes

Massachusetts

The sun slid down behind the Tappan Zee, and I slid down the Atlantic Coast.
My GPS and cell phone batteries drained, as were my own.
One last beautiful 287 sky allowed me the peace of mind to reflect on my visit up north.
It was so great to see Grampa, and I had such a fun, liberating drive up; it was so great to see him with his two dogs who keep him young. But goodbyes get harder as loved ones get older, and the lump in my throat was forming the night before; the cold firm grip that reality has on my jaw, holding my face in place, so I have to look and can't squirm away from the examination of our eventual, inescapable, everlooming mortality.
Reading helps, of course - did you know "hobo" is short for HOmeward BOund? - in that its both a satisfying experience for my brain, in that its an escape, but also a productive commentary on the shadows cast over the day...

When you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt - this is not selfishness; it is your duty (and also you entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight
-Eat, Pray, Love

home alone

I was surprised when the sadness didn't come as and when I expected.
Now I'm learning that it will come when it wants, and stay as long as it wants too, without knocking.
Goodbye to my family until Christmas, goodbye to my love until a time yet to be planned, goodbye to my dear friend until Buddha knows when...these are indeed transitory and transitional times for all of us.

off to embrace the alone time with a book...

China!?

And now, in keeping with his courageous actions, he is moving to China!!

you know what this is?

i could only love
and love only
the man who looks up from his book
and catches my eye over mine
and says that what we are doing
-reading in bed-
is foreplay

stunning

future heartbreaker...even with food in her nose!

Boho Hobo in Hobo

I need to figure out how to create and post a map so you can all track my location...

From Wayne, I went to Hoboken, then to Colonia, now in Edison.

Today to Highland Park, tomorrow to Springfield, potentially Randolph and Roxbury, and back to Edison.

Next week Wayne, Atlantic City?, Edison, Cinnaminson, Little Ferry.

Eventually? Dayton Ohio, Lawrence Kansas, and Albuquerque New Mexico

sisters

This picture makes me very happy. Its a reminder of how much more valuable, priceless, and important my family has become to me in the past year. Thank goodness for webcams.

a weekend and a half...

It was a weekend and a half...figuratively and literally...and so much has happened. I'm now homeless which allowed for some major family bonding, and the beginning of some serious hobo vagabonding. Eleven free slurpees, three poolsides, one seaside, and more from oz...
The fortune teller machine card printed, "You may be traveling down a yellow brick road..."

The winning answer

What an (actually) significant moment to win a game of Cranium by having the male friend in my life who represents the Cowardly Lion in my Dorothy/Oz paralleled life have to guess the answer of 'Cowardly Lion.' I've always admired the courage he has always to be his own person, a man better than average, traveling off the beaten path, marching to his own drummer, inspiring me to attempt the same. And just as in the Wizard of Oz, this has always existed inside of him, like it did in the Lion, without the confirmation and justification of others (the Wizard).

love this guy's rants...

Amen.

celebrating MY independence

"I hope July 4th goes beyond political independence and takes over individual lives. We are all free to be. We are free to forget. We are free to dream. We are free to scream. So celebrate something in your own way today, this week, and the rest of the year. Light that dormant fuse in your ass and sparkle once in a while. Help me hear the boom from way out here."
-from, http://freshnessfactorfivethousand.blogspot.com/2008/07/shine-light.html

Last year, on July 3rd into the early morning hours of July 4th, I realized and celebrated my own independence from a way of life I had been living for 5 and a half years.
This year, still celebrating, and still so grateful for one of the reasons that brought me to such a realization.

necklace...

This necklace was thought to have been lost many years ago.
It was my mother's and one of the only things I have that was hers.
I found it the DAY after the anniversary of her passing.

i still get chills after telling the story several times now...

so tiny, so clear

more flower shots

even more pictures! webshots wouldn't take em!

more flowers, bugs, and raindrops!

flower photos

since webshots is being a bitch...

i spy with my little eye...

...2 Geo Trackers!!

Syracuse JazzFest

Magic has permeated my summer and this past weekend was no exception.
The Syracuse JazzFest was excellent and my company was 'amazical'.
A less than notable opener, the Oz Noy Trio was described as the Israeli Jimi Hendrix; not sure if that was less than complimentary to Jimi or Israel, likely both.
The East Coast West Coast Dream Band thoroughly thrilled and impressed the crowd, vocalist Alex Ligertwood getting everyone on their feet and belting some awesome vocals, including a superb 'Layla'. Sergio Mendes rocked the house for sure.
The second day included an exhilarating visit to Wegmans (my first time!) and then we headed back to the legendary Onondaga Community College campus. The Steelheads mellowed us out, and on the steamy late June afternoon, it was quite fitting to be serenaded by Caribbean sounding steel drums. The Moutin Reunion Quartet jived some straight ahead jazz with extraordinary chemisty, being that the drum and bass players are brothers. The real highlight of the whole weekend for me was Bill Evans Soulgrass, once again fusing my two current musical passions, Bluegrass and Jazz. With a sound much like the Flecktones, these guys really rocked the whole show; a welcome addition and departure from the Flecktones sound being the fiddle player, Christian Howes, who personally sold me, from his backpack, one of his CDs later on in the day. Also obtained was this CD, The Other Side Of Something, signed in person by Bill Evans and his banjo player in the CD tent! I'm listening to that as I write now...and you should be too! Mike Stern and his band rocked some heavy Jazz flawlessly, the drummer Dave Weckl wowing us all, and Randy Brecker, of course, selling the whole thing. Randy's two performances, with Mike Stern and also the day earlier with the Dream Band, reinforced my appreciation for trumpet (especially muted trumpet!).
Above you can see the rainbow that appeared after a short humidity relieving rain shower. I have never seen one arch all the way across the sky and the colors seen in the picture are only half of what the crowd gaped at in the moment. just wow.

UNM wordle...

Make your Own!!

so VERY significant

colorado

thanks to a fellow RRE listener who brought this song to my attention again, after listening to more than the music, i found love for the song in its lyrics...

colorado
on the rise through new elevations
new days begun
fuel the ride with anticipation
& sweet summer sun

down the rocks run the cool rushing waters
. . . movin’ along
memories of some sweet days
& some new ones comin’ on

colorado
summertime

fill the heart with new animation
be here again
fill the high with sweet celebration
rememberin’ when

down the rocks
run the cool rushing waters
singin’ a song

memories of some sweet days
& some new ones just begun

colorado
summertime
colorado
summertime

distraction reigns

fragmented
obscured
tangible post-have
like a poked hole in dry sand
quickly filling itself back in
reminded
yet again
of its flee
or fluctuation?
or finish??
but most of all
its fundamental
insignificance

Railroad Earth...

railroad earth
through this railroad earth
for whatever it's worth
singin' songs & stayin' high

& you know i'll be
where my heart feels free
& my thoughts are free to fly

oh mama, please don't make me lie
i need my freedom, need my open sky

in yer socks & shirt & yer bed of dirt
with the midnight moon on high
& you know i've been
where the midnight wind
makes the soul & spirit cry

oh mama, please don't ask me why
i need my freedom
i need my open sky

through this railroad earth
for whatever it's worth
gettin' ' long & gettin' by
& you know i miss
every single kiss
as the years go rollin' by

oh mama, aint it good to be alive
when you're mountain-top
& feelin' high

oh mama, aint it good to be alive
when you're down & rollin'
free to ride

oh mama, please don't make me lie

what if i lose happy

So its times like these when i hope no one really reads this. yes i know people do, but when my thoughts keep me awake, and there is no one in particular to talk to, writing here means the world is there listening to me, instead of just my computer or notebook of paper. and when i say world, i don't even mean all the particular individuals that compose the world. i mean it in the sense of mother earth, or simply the living breathing organism that is the internet, more just the collective rather than some sort of scary 'i hope someone, anyone reads this'...just the world as a whole...a personification.

i'm just wondering about happy. i am and have been for quite some time now. i think, somewhat irrationally perhaps but at 4am nothing is clearly definable by reason, that i've credited happiness with all of the good things that have happened to me in this time. and we all know that you are a better person to those in your life when you are happy. less likely to argue, get irritated, take things personally, let things bottle up, even take things in TO bottle up. so chicken or egg here. i always thought it was very neat that you are less likely to have problems if you are happy. but maybe, like those unhappy people always told me, they would be happier if they had less problems. and these problems are in our head half the time. for me to be happy, i need to feel healthy, fit, intellectually occupied, stimulated, and productive, be living my own schedule, be living a varied, never monotonous schedule, and have enough alone time. its starting to seem, and never did before, or maybe its just tonight and i'm making generalizations that i shouldn't, that this is a lot of work to maintain. a lot of these things could even be stricken from my control. when i thought it was easy, i scoffed at the unhappy people in my life...'don't they get it? if they just turned on what makes them happy, they wouldn't attract all this negativity or have to be so hard on the ones they love which is in turn making them unhappy.'

i clearly need a more 3D medium, a kind of tangible thought web to follow and organize these thoughts, but i'm also thinking here about where lies the real you. when you are happy and so less argumentative, less grouchy, isn't that just some kind of brain chemical prozac. is it really your reaction to the things people do to you and they way the treat you if your happiness makes you more likely to let things roll off your back? certainly when i'm unhappy, i noticed increased irritability that doesn't feel REAL. being very conscious of these things, i identify it as 'not me, just my bad mood.' but then couldn't the same be said for happy...'not me, just my good mood.' where then do you find your justice for what you really think is right and wrong in how people treat you; where is your guide for whether or not that thing is really making you angry, or whether your anger was simply looking for an outlet? i've always simply used the way i emotionally react as my gauge...people have said to me ' oh that SHOULD make you angry' and instead of becoming angry because most people would, i assess whether or not the thing really bothers me. but if its a little thing that changes depending on mood, where is the truth?

and what happens if i stop being as cool, flexible, laid back, low maintenance as a friend, optimistic?
do you stop attracting positivity or does it stop attracting you?
and who will be left of the fair weather friends?

insouciance in june

hushed
shrugged
preoccupied
prevail your ambivalence
avail nothing
opposing, for example, these record highs
storm free

cucumbric
pillow undersidish

heart beat unquickened
unintentionally rhythmic, naturally deep breaths
remember hermetics
remember without reminding
remind without remembering

sirens wail:
fires lit from lightning's strike
seemingly unceasingly
the storm must be circling the suburb
as thunders in
the change of season
take your cue instead
from the steady thick standing air
stoic, solid dispassionate atoms
composed not of apprehension or angst

Always Be Yourself.

"Always be yourself. Your loud, brave, unabashed, scandalous, original, exceptional, truly magnificent, self-lovin’, horn-tootin’, crowd-wavin’, kiss-blowin’ self.

Always be yourself. You may face criticism, dirty looks & gossip over the back fence, but at least you will have honoured yourself, done your best, been true & authentic.

Always be yourself. No one else shines like you — nor can they illuminate a room, thrill onlookers or shatter perceptions in the amazing way you do.

Always be yourself. Your life is yours alone, to do with as you please. Don’t feel that you have to serve other people; in the end, it is only you who matters.

Always be yourself. If you want to live the life of your dreams, you have to make it happen. No one else is going to do it for you. Get off your toosh, toots, & start!"

from: http://galadarling.com/article/quote-of-the-day-4th-june-2008

Right In Tune

New Railroad Earth album!!....you can listen to it here...good little song called "Right in Tune"...lyrics below...

i got no worries
i got no doubts
cuz i know we've got it all worked out
cuz you know your part and i know mine

and we're right in tune
me and you
we're right in tune

we got a straight line to each others hearts
we took the pieces and we made a part
we took a song and made it sing

we're right in tune
yes its true
we're right in tune

we've been up and down
we've been through it all
came through the summer
into the fall
came the winter
came the spring again

and we're right in tune
yes its true
we're right in tune
me and you
we're right in tune

little patience, little honey
it'll be ok
little patience, little honey
and we're on our way

now we know
we gotta break
when we're rolling
its a beautiful thing
get that baby soaring
on two strong wings

we're right in tune
me and you
we're right in tune

i got no worries
i got no doubts
cuz i know we can work it out

come what may
come what will
we'll be right in tune

little momma, i know you...

summer magic

"It made me think that everything was about to arrive-the moment when you know all and everything is decided forever."

-Jack Kerouac, On the Road

.what i decided forever was that nothing should be decided forever.

creative twist on children's imaginations

What an AWESOME idea... click here!!

"Jung's new series of photos, "Wonderland" (2004), presents costumed adolescents posing in sets based as closely as possible on children's drawings. He collaborates with many people to bring to life the boundless imagination in the drawings. For four months, Jung oversaw art classes in four kindergartens in Seoul and collected 1,200 drawings by children between the ages of five and seven. After pouring through them, he carefully selected 17 drawings and interpreted their meanings. Then he recruited 60 high school students by passing out handbills at their schools in which he invited them to act out the scenarios in the children's drawings. In order to recreate faithfully drawing details such as dresses with uneven sleeves or buttons of different sizes, he convinced five fashion designers to custom make the clothing for the photo shoot. He also made props unlike any scale found in reality but similar to those in the drawings." (http://photokaboom.photogrowth.com/2008/02/yeondoo_jung_wonderland.html)

World Mapper

really awesome map site shows you, visually, the numbers of nearly everything you can gather statistics on...

http://www.worldmapper.org/atozindex.html

to each his own

"This gets me thinking. I am just the sum of the experiences that have fashioned my personality into the type of person who has to make a big deal about being sustainable. A stockbroker is just the sum of the experiences that fashion his or her personality into the type of person who digs playing the market. There's no better or worse. No Impact just becomes the practice that works for me. Playing the market is the practice that works for someone else.

If I can maintain that attitude, if I can understand the human motivations and values that underpin everyone's actions, even if I don't necessarily agree with them, I have a chance of meeting people on common ground and talking to them, not as a person who is morally superior, but as a friend. And people listen more openly to their friends.

... I want to attract people and change their minds, I need to understand them and their foibles and appreciate them for the fact that they may be able to offer some great pointers on lipstick and sunglasses. Think what the people of the world would look like if they all dressed like environmentalists. Would that even be a world worth saving?"

from: http://noimpactman.typepad.com/blog/2008/05/sustainable-liv.html

and i'm still hungry

cold wheat beers
frozen custard and chilled java
extrememochafrenchvanillapumpkin cappuccino
banana nut muffins
gummy worms
cheddar pretzels
fresh bread and olive oil
shrimp fra diavolo
turkey provolone avocado sandwich
medium rare-ly perfected sirloin
melt in your mouth cheese burger
bacon cheddar fries
pasta and homemade gravy

(the most irresistible
delectable
delicious
overwhelmingly-beyond-satisfying
part?
you.)

...directionless part two...

"The American Dream is for immigrants. The rest of us are better acquainted with entitlement or boredom than we are with our own survival mechanisms. And when confronted with a fight-or-flight scenario, the latter usually takes precedence. Escape is our action of choice: escape through pharmaceuticals, escape through technology, and plain old running away in search of something else, anything else...

I continually revisit the words of some sociologist who I read in college. I think that is was Weber or Durkheim...He believed that the modern mind is determined to expand its repertoire or experiences, and is bent on avoiding any specialization that threatens to interrupt the search for alternatives and novelty. Many people would call that approach to life a crisis, immaturity, or being out of touch with reality. It could also be called the New American Dream. [Screw] the simple pursuit of financial stability. Here's to finding fulfillment in novelty, excitement, adventure, and autonomy."

-Do Travel Writers Go To Hell?, Thomas B Kohnstamm

directionless postcollegiate life

"...With such a character-defining foothold in the career world, I no longer have to make excuses for the life I lead. No longer do I have to explain my directionless postcollegiate life to incredulous eyes and repetitive questions, like: "What are you doing next year?" "Don't you want to do something with your life?" and my favorite, "When are you going to get a real job?" I am no longer just Thomas, the supposed slacker, backpacker bum, or permanent student. I am Thomas, the employee of ________, ________, ________ & _________ LLP, and I am going places.

I make more money than I reasonably should, putting papers into chronological order (chroning, in office-speak). My skill set also includes entering numbers into Excel spreadsheets and working the copier and fax machine. Between those projects, I search for old high school friends' names on Google; play online Jeopardy against my office trivia nemesis, Jerry; and generally while away the hours of my life...

Yes, I know, I really have it pretty good. There are people starving in Africa. And there are plenty of people here in New York who would love the chance to be in a cubicle all day and not have to operate deep-fat fryers, drive garbage trucks... or whatever it is they do. The problem is that I am an ungrateful by-product of a prosperous society -- the offal of opportunity. I am just another liberal arts graduate who bought the idea that life and career would be a fulfilling intellectual journey. Unfortunately, I am performing a glorified version of punching the time clock, and the financial rewards don't come anywhere near filling the emotional void of such diminished expectations."

-Do Travel Writers Go to Hell?, Thomas B Kohnstamm

a Canadian in Japan...

...messes with a Japanese man...

...a small voice appeared beside me.
"Excuse me, " it said. "May I practise my English with you?"
..."I like very much the Macaroni Westerns. Do you like?" And then, in a sudden shift: "Tell me, when writing a letter, do you use P-S or B-S as the end? I understand that one is considered slang and the other is a way of -- "
"It's P-S. " [I answered]
"B-S, " he asked.
"P-S. P as in pneumonia and s as in psychotic."
-Hitching Rides with Buddha, Will Ferguson

hahahahaha

how to guess?

Is it just me, or would it actually be less work just to LEARN the information on which you are being tested than to memorize these crazy rules for guessing? Probably just me, especially if you are good with the logic behind all of these and its makes sense quickly to you, so that you can memorize it easily...

still crazy...
http://drzeuss.blogspot.com/2008/05/how-to-guess-on-standardized-tests.html

which rung are you on?

When are you getting promoted? When are you getting married? When are you going to have babies?

When are people going to realize you can make your own path in life and you don't have to follow theirs? When are people going to realize there are more important and interesting things to talk about?

""What are you doing after graduation?"

"I'm so sick of that question." John said. "No one really cares what I'm doing after graduation. It's conversational masturbation. We spent the first two years asking each other what our major was and the last two years asking what we're doing after graduation. Why don't we ever talk about what we're really interested in?" Everyone sat in silence for a moment."

Ah-un

"You approach Shinto shrines...and the entrances are usually guarded by a pair of stone lion-dogs...komu-inu, "Korean dogs"...One lion-dog has a mouth that is always open, the other has a mouth that is always closed. The open mouthed lion-dog is named Ah, the other is named Un, or more properly, nn. "Ah" is the first sound you make when you are born, "nn" the last sound you make when you die. "Ah" is the breath inhaled that begins life, "nn" the exhale of release, the breath that allows life to escape. Between the two lies all of existence, a universe that turns on a single breath. Ah is also the first symbol in the Japanese alphabet, n the last. And so, between these two lion-dogs, you also have the A and the Z, the Alpha and Omega. In the original Sanskrit, ah-un means, "the end and the beginning of the universe; infinity unleashed."

In Japan, people who are in perfect tune with each other, such as a pianist and a violinist playing in duet, are called ah/un-no-kokyu. Kokyu means "breathing," and the phrase suggests perfect, exquisite harmony: ah/un-no-kokyu, two or more breathing as one. If self-actualization is the ideal to which the Western world aspires, then common breath is the ideal to which Japan-and indeed, much of Asia-aspires. The word harmony in Japanese has the same cachet that the word freedom has in the West...

On a less esoteric level, ah-un also refers to old married couples (or even old friends) who have been together for so long that they no longer have to finish their sentences. One begins with "Ah..." and the other agrees with "Nn..." (which is the Japanese equivalent of "uh-huh") and the entire meaning is understood."

-Hitching Rides with Buddha, Will Ferguson

call us crazy idealists but...

what? education's purpose is to LEARN? really?

so glad

"said i many times, love is illusion,
a feeling result of confusion
with knowing smile and blase sigh,
a cynical so and so, am i

i feel so sure, so positive,
so utterly unchangeably certain
though i never was aware of loving you
'til i suddenly realized there was love in you and oh...

chorus:
in this world of ordinary people...
extraordinary people,
i'm glad there is you

in this world of overrated pleasures
and underrated treasures,
i'm glad there is you.

i live to love,
i love to live with you beside me
this role, so new
i'll muddle through with you
if you'll guide me through.

in this world where many, many play at love
and hardly any stay in love,
i'm glad there is you

more than ever, i'm glad there is you

said i many times, love is illusion..."

check them out

super awesome sites to bookmark!

http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/?

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

part two

my last post found me taking stock of my possession in order to move my life...
potentially just as important, if not more, as what i am moving is why

i've been pared down to:
a bathroom box
a kitchen box
an office box
a shoes box
vacuum packed clothing
cameras
books
and a computer
but i am not a list of possessions
the load lightened
organized and allowing for
the most important thing
freedom...
reconstruction
re-creation
change
opportunity
experience
education
in three months, just me and the open road
heading 2000 miles in a southwesterly direction
my sun rising in the west

(and as i type this...shuffling onto my itunes...a Railroad Earth show from Albuquerque)

memories

when asked if i think about the man i loved for a whole fifth of my life,
i can honestly answer that days sometimes go by without a thought.
when asked if i think about the man who raised me for the first fifth of my life,
i can honestly answer, again, that days pass, and when a thought appears, there is no accompanying emotion.
am i without a heart?
i like to think i'm simply more without strings
there are some, keeping me grounded to this moment, perhaps
but when each day allows for re-creation of this person i call myself
i need not be defined by the people, places, and things i've moved on from
on this the eve of a very big move
i'm mired in memories
deciding which to take
which to leave behind
which to donate
and which to discard
its a tiresome process, that demands nostalgia, measurement of pricelessness, and selectivity of necessity.
in the end, like my friend said, 'its just stuff.'
i still possess only two items from my childhood,
and will keep only one.
each year of your life becomes a smaller percentage of your life as time passes
and you own proportionally less from each era.
so many things being gifts, representing hard earned money of loved ones...i'm left with much to store.
and with them, i'm storing away that person who owned all those things
and realizing how much it feels like i could not even call that person me
the things changed, the things lost, the things forgotten...
and so this passage spoke to me:

"...how a file opens the door to a vast sunken labyrinth of the forgotten past, but how, too, the very act of opening the door itself changes the buried artifacts, like an archaeologist letting in fresh air to a sealed Egyptian tomb.
For these are not simply past experiences rediscovered in their original state. Even without the fresh light...our memories decay or sharpen, mellow or sour, with the passage of time and the change of circumstances...But with the fresh light the memory changes irrevocably. A door opens, but another closes. There is no way back now to your own earlier memory of that person, that event. It is like a revelation made, years later, to a loved one. Or like a bad divorce, where today's bitterness transforms all the shared past, completely, miserably, seemingly forever. Except that this bitter memory, too, will fade and change with the further passage of time.
So what we have is nothing less than an infinity of memories of any moment, event, or person: memories that change slowly always, with every passing second, but now and then dramatically, after some jolt or revelation. Like one of those digital photographs whose every color, tint, or detail can be changed on a computer screen, except that here we're not in control and can't revert at will to an earlier image. They say "The past is a foreign country," but actually the past is another universe.
-The File, Timothy Garton Ash

A Nation at Risk

the history and prediction of falling short

tangibility

twinkling pixels
electronic mail
plane ticket bills
text message trail
entire intangibility
i need...
that warmth from your hands
that dictates my hips

that magnetic force
that calls out my lips

that shape of your body
thats made so mine fits

that look in your eyes
that video doesn't catch

that way that you hold me
that no one could match

that awareness of your breathing
that lulls me to dreams

that tiny little sigh
thats more than it seems

that tiny little kiss
and the love that is meant

that spot on your neck
that defines your scent

that nook between your body and bed
that delineates my sleep

that place in your arms
that decides my smile
some tangibility would really be nice
for awhile

give it a shot

whether the cause be peace, the environment, educational reform, or supporting the losing candidate because you agree with his stance, you'll get more fulfillment out of being true to what you believe than being in the winner's circle.

giving up because you'll never see the fruits of your labor is rather selfish and more so, besides the point. if you really care about the cause, seeing your own actions make an impact should not really be a motivator.

if nothing else, you challenged, tried, cared, fought, and therefore, mattered.

more holidays

incredible timing for how i've been feeling...

"So when I see one of these cycles begin, I try to intercept, intercede. Isolate the catalyst and counteract it. Not feeling creative? Sit and write--even if it's about not feeling creative. (What do you think I'm doing now?) No results? Find something you know will provide them and do it, however small, inefficient or temporary. [Like my friend said last night...make my list out of SMALL things I can get done instead of BIG things that seem insurmountable]. Head it off now to save the time and struggle. But remember the metatheme. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's ok if one of them gets away from you every once in a while. There's no shame in taking a little break and feeling human--it's always better than bottling it up. But more often then not, step back and regain control. Do not let one emotion feed off another or let small bums throw you wildly off track. For you will find Aurelius' "fluent stillness" to be a goal well worth striving for."

motivational

This guys words really get inside me...

to quote the parts I like...
"The more I read the more I become convinced that life's only meaning from that which ascribe to it. That purpose exists only when your project and live it daily....
...Although I might not have reached true actualization, I am well on my way to warming up. Everyday I get up and I scratch a little at the walls that society sets up to prevent you from getting there. That my purpose is to be involved in the creation and furtherance of public discourse, so each book I read and word I write is the functioning of my soul. Happiness comes from action, and that action must be excellent...
...When we fail to tell people this, they lose life in the forest for all the trees--clutching with the vastness of it all, when what they need is tiny enough to hold. Some of us know this and are happy--and productive. Others know this and refuse to admit it, drowning the simplicity with alcohol or drugs....
...Excellence here becomes excellence there, and combined they equal the ultimate excellence: happiness. It seems to be logical, if happiness is that which we all aspire too, it must be the most excellent--and only through excellent action are we excellent....
...Read and read often. Act in moderation. Resist the pleasures and pains that distract you. Wake each morning prepared for exertion. Do not sleep or leave the gym until you have. Drench the ground in your sweat, fill the pages with words. The Resistance will dog you the entire way, pay it no attention. When you diverge from the path, look inwards and correct--dedicate a second to chastisement and move on. But most importantly, realize that not knowing your purpose is no excuse for stasis. Even if the destination has yet to reveal itself, you still must be ready for the call. Prepare, be active, and be open. Only then will you find happiness and contentment. I have had only a small taste, but I at least know it's worth every bit of effort."

like now.

agreed, ryan.
and yet sometimes,
like now,
i wonder how much more happy i'd be
if i wasn't always checking in with myself,
asking why.
if i wasn't so undeniably aware
of every little emotion, thought, and reaction
if it wasn't now so automatic
to scrutinize the often inscrutible
til it becomes
excruciating
like now.

staccato

its just not there
not here
i remember what it was
what it felt like
but could not now fabricate
something so natural
and free flowing

back broken
from limbo
i feel truncated
sta cca to
a hiccup to myself
a stutter to the world

why?

yes, sir. need any more reasons?

if you insist.

amazing...

yea but how many times did he have to try each shot til he got the basket?

books that make you dumb?

interesting, especially when you note the location of the bible...

did they consider...?

What about a reverse causality possibility? If I am a calm, happy, peaceful person (likely with already low blood pressure because I don't get stressed at every little thing), then I'm more likely to be happy in my relationships? A relationship, after all, does not make you happy. YOUR happiness makes for a happy relationship. So maybe it doesn't make you healthier either.

(only) halfway to everywhere

You could be so energy
Electricity
You could be lightning
You could be anything
A masterpiece
A revolutionary
You can see what, you want to see
Can you let it be?
Learn or teach


Im only halfway to everywhere

Im only halfway to everywhere

Im only halfway to everywhere


i'm thinking positively
Positively
This is possible
They can say right or wrong
Never hear this song
Or look you in the eye
i'm getting rid of negativity
Lose the loss in me
Call it equality
Good luck is a frame of mind
Call it humankind
And say its destiny
-The Black Crowes

bedblog

really?!?

mraz

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
-jason mraz, 'i'm yours'

*so very excited about the new jason mraz album...*

world music map?

A Cacophony for sure, work of art nonetheless!

tired rolling down my cheeks

take a deep breath
to stop the flow
nothing to be done
no one to know
let it come
then let it go
you're only overtired

cute

LOL