Life...

"Now you just dig them in front. They have worries, they're counting the miles, they're thinking about where to sleep tonight, how much money for gas, the weather, how they'll get there-& all the time they'll get there anyway, you see. But they need to worry & betray time with urgencies false & otherwise, purely anxious & whiny, their souls really won't be at peace unless they can latch on to an established & proven worry & having once found it they assume facial expressions to fit & go with it, which is, you see, unhappiness, & all the time it all flies by them & they know it & that TOO worries them to no end."

-On the Road, Jack Kerouac

home.

roots like an organ rejected

unsown in this dusty dry earth

minutes and miles appended

with the knowledge of what home is worth

home, where those feathers are tended

allowing the flight to be free

home, where inspired the travel

and love that it helped me to see

now when imagined a home

place need not be defined

face eyes arms, a scent and a man

and of course such a beautiful mind

Friday the 13th...

...is the opposite of cursed and unlucky for me.

One beautiful Friday the 13th in July a couple years back, I shared a first kiss with the now love of my life. I had to know if it was there, I had to know if he could be more than my best friend, and so...wow i was just sent into quite the stupor replaying the moment as I tried to decide what to write, gone for a few minutes, now I'm back...

Maybe we broke the bad luck usually associated with that day because it was an upside down kiss. Maybe that was the mystical key to unlocking the next 2 years and counting of unbelievable magic.

Maybe I'm luckier than I deserve, no, not maybe, I am.

And so, I plan to spend the rest of my life expressing my gratefulness to him and the universe.

He, who finds a way through every obstacle with me

He, who finds a way to create magic in every day living

He, who found a way into my heart

He, who found a way to stitch himself there in such a way that I could never stop loving him, even if I tried.

love ain't gunna let you down, no more..

bedridden mumblings

she rests upon a feather

a glint against the breeze

that softly gently lulls her

back into her dreams

the autumn here perfection

in sun in still in light

as summer rests its tired head

too quickly comes the night

but Father Time, while aged and wise,

he's no worse for the wear

there's no rest for the weary here

truths tangled in their hair

he transports awaited answers

minute hand holding mine

and gently softly guides me

to a peace of mind

like the chills that invade her spine

cold crisp winds whistle through

the window pane, the Rio Grande

fevered time peppered true

another dusty sunset highlights

all that she does now know

the seasons change so differently

without the caw of the crow

widening cracks

as our worlds widen, the ground splits. cracks our bound to appear in the foundation. its just whether we build bridges or not that makes the difference. how strong is this bridge?

in five years, i see myself five years older...

...don't get freaked out by the pure light within you
no, don't let it freak you out
just go with it
because if you don't go with it
it will just take you where it wants to be
which is cool too, if you have the time

-chris robinson

as i start to turn my gaze toward graduation in May, the questions are cropping up again. no longer am i free to flow into something (new place to live, new job, new program of study) because first i must flow out. and for some reason, this means i must know the direction of my flow. or so they say.

'where do you see yourself in 5 years?' and 'what are your career goals?' seem to come up every day, and its silly really. talking to a friend last night, he had a great answer, 'i have no plans to stay and i have no plans to leave.' having no plans is what it should be all about. because once you think you have it all figured out, you are just asking to be proven wrong. in any situation. plans, while some people need the security of knowing WHERE they are going, are mostly limiting. what if my friend had plans to leave and a month before doing so, he is faced with a great opportunity? likely he will not view the same opportunity in the same light because he's 'on his way out,' likely the opportunity may not have presented itself to begin with because he's been busy planning his exit and looking to the future, no longer cultivating the same friendships, community bonds, and work bonds, no longer rooting himself to this place.

And anyway, why and for what/who do you need a plan? I suppose if you are looking to make a real impact on the world, make some kind of change that matters, then yes you need a plan, but most of us are just trying to live. So for most of us, what does a plan give us besides a sense, albeit inflated, of importance, a sense of meaning to our lives. But when you get there, to this end point in your goal, do you feel fulfilled? Maybe but I bet its so short lived because it that is how you see the world, you are already onto the next goal, already thinking about the future, never there in the present really enjoying what in reality is all we have, the now.

and while i feel uprooted and in limbo lately, i know it just means i'm staying OPEN to all the possibilities.

its like relationships and marriage...they represent plans as well. plans for a future, plans to stay loyal to this person. once you are in that spot, do you go out as often and meet new people? lets say you do, even...do you approach the new people you meet with the same openness, curiosity, sense of 'what if' and possibility? most people do not. and so you've closed yourself off to possibility. and i'm not saying possibility of meeting another mate, although that IS there, but even just the possibility of an intimate friendship, a deep rewarding bond, but now instead, there are social conventions blocking you from getting to know that person on such a level because it may be perceived the wrong way by your mate, their mate, outside parties, etc. And you assume they have nothing much to offer you since you've already found that 'person for you.' we're so inhibited by our plans and our decisions that we *think* are carved out, set in stone. burn your carvings. throw that stone into the ocean and watch it change form.
stay open.

plans usually limit you because plans are made by you; creations of only what you can imagine, and while some may dare to dream, most of us live in the realm of practicality and likelihood because its safer. you can't imagine something greater, something outside yourself, you don't imagine there are others as enlightening as those people that you've met and know at that moment. and you plan on a narrow foundation. not planning allows you to be open to a wider scope of probabilities, to all those things you thought could never happen, but somehow do (usually right around or after the time you think you've got it all figured out).

there's a quote on my wall that says 'dwell in possibility' and it doesn't mean to always be wanting something else or always be thinking about the future. at least not to me, to me it says, be open, be aware, that it is possible for anything to change at any time, for new doors to open, for old doors you thought would never shut to now be locked, you just never know.

love,

aimless peacock

Del McCoury: All Aboard

I can feel the wheels turning underneath my feet
As I pull the shade down on my window seat
Praying where I'm going is better than where I've been
Then a stranger sits down as if he's right at home
Touches me and says, I see you're traveling alone
And by the way, son, you forgot to say amen
He says, I guess there's something here I need to explain
I try to talk to everyone riding this train
Some of them listen, but most don't pay me no mind

And the train keeps rolling, and the world keeps turning
All aboard, all aboard, everybody's gotta get on board

Take that woman with the frown sitting across the aisle
With her briefcase open nigh on ninety miles
She never even noticed that lake back at Horseshoe Bend
And that couple with the kids at the front of the car
Fussing all the way about some cookie jar
I'm gonna ask them what they saw at their journeys end
And there's a fellow I left sitting in the back
Keeps a smile on his face through a paper sack
Looking out the window but he can't see past the pain

And the train keeps rollin', and the world keeps turnin'
All aboard, all aboard, everybody's gotta get on board

Then the train slows down unexpectedly
As I raise my blind he slaps my knee
Sayin', this is my stop son, but you won't be travelin' alone
I look out my window to wave him goodbye
But there's nobody there, just a light in the sky
I lose my breath and my blood runs cold as stone
Then I feel the wheels turnin' underneath my feet
But life looks different from my window seat
Knowin' where I'm going is better than where I've been

And the train keeps rollin', and the world keeps turnin'
All aboard, all aboard, everybody's gotta get on board

I can feel the wheels a turnin' underneath my feet

Highway 550 to Ouray

Girl on the Mountain

She is a serious girl, her kiss tells you why She spins the wheel that rolls back the sky She tells the tales That make the dust cry With wings on her feet and stars in her eyes And I can hear her, hear her sing out my name And there's a girl on a mountain, waiting there for me And then the sad day came When she said goodbye The rust and the rain are all she left behind Yes I can hear her Hear her sing out my name There's a girl on the mountain Waiting there for me There's a girl on the mountain Where there's a song, on the breeze Inside these four walls a hole to the devil the empire never ended The black cat a shadow, alive on the ceiling, and there are no foot prints where I've been Where I've been Title: Girl On The Mountain Author: Chris Robinson and Paul Stacey Artist: Chris Robinson and the New Earth Mud Album: This Magnificent Distance Debut: 10/07/03 Session: This Magnificent Distance Shows: 32 times played live

have at it.

sandstoneandpine

parenthetical on my mind

decisions are revisions

soft shouldered, deceitful time

is an obscured veiled vision

a new trail blazed through wood

away from those who victory blessed

away from those who stood

a girl stands lone

in the valleys of time

patience-crowned

but with thorns of pride.

lavender laughter

lacerating languish

fairweather fumblings

fabricating anguish

the road but paved

with good intention

leads to a bridge

burning with apprehension.

the judge upon

his high throne sits

upon closer inspection

has been put out of his wits.

there is no wizard

there is no oz

all you have is all you have

is all you.

have at all.

Surgical Glove

Well you play guitar
With rusty strings
Well you find a use
For whatever they bring
Man you're so ESP
You're politely stoned
With your late night friends
You're never alone

Tell me when the stage goes dark
There's no where to hide
Just give em that bleeding heart
Sinking ships and dead end streets
Long good byes and dirty sheets
Empty bottles and forgotten song

And you've lost yourself
In your own gold mine
Can't find your way
Through the maze in your mind
Yea man you dug a hole
So you gave it a name
Well man you might still look young
But you're not the same

You can never go back
Cause you long left home
Do you ever want to know love?
Sinking ships and dead end streets
Long good byes and dirty sheets
Empty bottles and forgotten song

There's a hollow man
He lives in a cloud
He's got a hole in his arm
Yea it makes a lonely sound
Another stow away
Yea to a place in the sun
And by the time he gets there his job will be done
Only when the stage goes dark
There's no where to hide
Just give him that bleeding heart

Sinking ships and dead end streets
Long good byes and dirty sheets
Empty bottles forgotten songs
Pick your poison to each his own

Title: Surgical Glove
Author: Chris Robinson
Artist: Chris Robinson
Album: This Magnificent Distance
Debut: 06/20/04
Session: This Magnificent Distance
Shows: 2 times played live

Like a tumbleweed

Sing me a song like the wants of the river
Tell me a tale of the wolves
Make me a gift of arrow and quiver
Love me child of the moon
Bring me the bark from the burnt trees of Mayfair
Recite me ancient verse
Control the powers of wondrous color or unspeakable one word curse

Roll me like a tumbleweed in Eden
All the way home
Roll me like a tumbleweed in Eden
All the way home

Go ring the bells of solemn forewarning
Chew on the bitterest roots
Go throw your rope speak in split tongue charming
Go shine your pair of black boots

Roll me like a tumbleweed in Eden
All the way home
Roll me like a tumbleweed in Eden
All the way home
And there I'll stay
Lock me away until the day that you love me

So bring back the days of my emerald wanderings
Dream in a wide open sky
Never forget my drunken stumblings
And I'll see you in the by and by

Title:	Like A Tumbleweed in Eden
Author:	Chris Robinson
Artist:	Chris Robinson
Album:	This Magnificent Distance
Debut:	02/10/03
Session:	This Magnificent Distance
Shows:	4 times played live

"Reaching out, finding what’s within."

Where Songs Begin
Todd Sheaffer

Here we are, the place where songs begin.
Reaching out, finding what’s within.

Finding the way back again to the place where the songs begin.
Finding the way back again to the song that never ends.

Here I am, ten years down the road.
with all I’ve learned, still I just don’t know.

Finding the way back again to the place where the songs begin.
Finding the way back again to the song that never ends.

Salmon song, a journey just to die.
I’ve lost my fear, diving to the waves.

Finding the way back again to the place where the songs begin.
Finding the way back again to the song that never ends.

Mystery, feelings unexplained.
Patience, patience let the moment lead.
Listen, listen take a breath and breathe.
Faith and trust, the place where songs begin.

ipod should get the heck out of my head...

the slew of songs that just came on my shuffle:

Stick with me Baby, Dont ever take your eyes off the game

The ring goes south, blowing changes

Last Place I felt free, The blowers daughter

Down the road, an ocean and a rock (away)

non fiction

why do they leave

pack a day

the return of the king, get it while you can

how many more times, to the end of the world

hope fails

ragtime annie lee

samwise the brave

Its practically poetry.

This take off, a departure

from myself, from desert dust

360 days and degrees alike

but now presented with a must.

With no set destination now

the path seems much more free

the potential course unlimited

unknown, the itinerary.

Many this would frighten

and while knots may disagree

half hitched and sliding along journey and not destination

is where my home will be.

Quite the contradiction

and so with caution I proceed

to assess the possibility

to qualify my need.

The Rockies seemed impossible

as did the San Juans' reds and greens

I'd like a rock like that find me

and bring me to my knees.

But then to grasp me by the gaze

and by example lead

open the map, drop a pine needle

and simply plant the seed.

Consequent action will decide

Deck dealt? Or still to deal?

Trip and travel not the only list

complementary, limitless, and real.

july 13th, 2007

last night,

my fingertips laden with longing,

lingering and listening

wistfully wishing

memory glistening

of that magic first

that spark that ignited

pure and undeniable

as though reunited

true and unending

as though invincible

as though unquestionable

and truthfully? rather so...

my fingers sense all this

and the emptiness

of my bed

and my sides

to be next to you

is to be love.

"ever gentle on my mind"

It's knowing that your door is always open and your path is free to walk

That makes me tend to leave my sleeping bag rolled up and stashed behind your couch

And it's knowing I'm not shackled by forgotten words and bonds

And the ink stains that have dried upon some line

That keeps you in the backroads by the rivers of my mem'ry

That keeps you ever gentle on my mind

It's not clinging to the rocks and ivy planted on their columns now that bind me

Or something that somebody said because they thought we fit together walking

It's just knowing that the world will not be cursing or forgiving

When I walk along some railroad track and find

That you're moving on the backroads by the rivers of my mem'ry

And for hours you're just gentle on my mind

Though the wheat fields and the clotheslines

And the junkyards and the highways come between us

And some other woman's crying to her mother cause she turned and I was gone

I still might run in silence, tears of joy might stain my face

And the summer sun might burn me till I'm blind

But not to where I cannot see you walking on the backroads

By the rivers flowing gentle on my mind

I dip my cup of of soup back from a gurgling, crackling cauldron in some train yard

My beard a roughened coal pile and a dirty hat pulled low across my face

Through cupped hands round a tin can I pretend to hold you to my breast and find

That you're wavin' from the backroads by the rivers of my mem'ry

Ever smiling, ever gentle on my mind

-Glen Campbell

more! more!

This image is from this photographer's site: http://www.chriscraymer.com/romance/
I want it never to end!

Weekend retreat in Edgewood

House sitting for Cari, Glenn, and Anni...

This is Jesse...

This is their awesome, relaxing back deck...
This is the front porch. Sisco posed so nicely for me...
This is the cute little path they built, complete with a fountain/watering hole for the dogs...
This morning I took a wandering drive towards those mountains, following dirt roads to their end. This is the view Cari and Glenn get to see every morning when they drive down towards Rt. 40 to go to UNM. The picture doesn't do it justice at all. I plan to bring people up this way when they come to visit me just because the drive is gorgeous, and you really can see forever, it seems.

This is the front porch, complete with my two new buddies: Riley, the yellow lab, and Sisco, the lab/husky mix...Riley is the sweetest and follows me everywhere. I feel very safe here alone with these two guys keeping watch...

This is the sunset Mel and I saw the other day. She took this shot while I drove. It was magnificent. THIS is the New Mexico I came here for. THIS is the inspiring horizon that harmonizes with my soul, that resonates and satisfies my need to feel free. Its so peaceful and quiet here, far from the highway, far from malls and shopping, far from any hustle or bustle, a place to really slow life down and enjoy it to the fullest.

where are we headed?

The way in which appreciation of foundational knowledge is rapidly declining really has me worried. As a result of technology, we no longer feel the need to know how to SPELL (there's spellcheck since no one hand writes anything anymore) or ADD (there's calculators readily available everywhere, even on cell phones), or know ANYTHING really, since the great world wide web can give as all the information we could ever need. Before a test, a student actually said to me, "I don't understand why we have to know any of this by heart; I can always go look it up." In some school districts, they no longer teach geography of the United States(!!); they no longer teach basic rules of grammar (!!) (doubtful to spawn a generation of William Faulkners when the only complete set of vocabulary these children possess is the truncated form of the English language created from text and instant messaging).

What happened to valuing knowledge? To liking to know things just for the sake of knowing? To not wanting to look stupid when you misuse "your" and "you're," "too" and "to?" To realizing that having knowledge gives you a foundation on which to think for yourself? Heading in this direction means we're soon going to entrust computers with telling us what to believe. We'll be surrounded by individuals incapable of decision making or real conversation. We'll be, well at least I'll be, dispirited, dismayed, and dejected, with plenty of time to sit and shake my head as there will be a lack of anyone worth talking to, or anything worth reading.

pointillism of perfection

pain au chocolat melts upon the tongue, 

exploding with dark chocolate 

between buttery layers

croissants flake into submission

crepes cause my own surrender

'sushi love' satisfies like no other

blackberries burst upon my tongue

their juices matching the orchids in the open window

that are keeping watch over the grounds at Cité Universitaire

Sacré-Coeur surprises every time

its white cardboard cutout stands starkly against the blue sky

matching only the clouds in both color and awe

Rues Cler and Mouffetard charm as much as Montmartre

damp cobblestone

wine stained lips

a brooding Notre-Dame somehow warming

the cool night on the Seine

glorious gardens in which we practice parisian living

baguette? check. sacripants? check. crackers belin? check. bordeaux? check.

slowing of time? check.

bats' ("Fledermaus") frenzied flights

foreshadowing the american pop music adventure

of european student's singalong and sweat laden shimmying

Trocadéro the perfect platform

from which to be mesmerized by Gustave's glory

and captivated by love's miracle

the Louvre containing masterpieces 

(and existing as its own)

the Orsay alive with Impressionists' entrapment of a moment and explosion of color

"seeking to capture a feeling or experience rather than to achieve accurate depiction"

i'm attempting this myself here...

gathering up the gazes...

collecting all the kisses...

unrelentless laughter and swirling smiles 

speckled across two weeks of canvas

pointillism of a perfect love.

Renoir, Pissarro, Sisley, step aside

there's nothing you can create

that is more beautiful

than this.

Sunshine

i like this one.

The Dying Animal by Philip Roth

What a great read. Great movie too (Elegy)

From, The Dying Animal

The main character's son, a college senior, gets a classmate pregnant, and goes to his father for advice....his father's reply:

"I reminded him that nobody could make him do what he didn't want to do. I said what I wished some forceful man had said to me when I was on the brink of making my mistake. I said, 'Living in a country like ours, whose key documents are all about emancipation, all directed at guaranteeing individual liberty, living in a free system that is basically indifferent to how you behave as long as the behavior is lawful, the misery that comes your way is most likely to be self-generated. It would be another matter if you were living in Nazi-occupied Europe or in Communist-dominated Europe or in Mae Zedong's China. There they manufacture the misery for you; you don't have to take a single wrong step in order never to want to get up in the morning. But here, free of totalitarianism, a man like you has to provide himself his own misery. You, moreover, are intelligent, articulate, good-looking, well educated--you are made to thrive in a country like this one. Here the only tyrant lying in wait will be convention, which is not to be taken lightly either. Read Tocqueville, if you haven't yet. He's not outdated, not on the subject of 'men being forced through the same sieve.' The point is that you shouldn't think that you miraculously have to become a beatnik or a bohemian or a hippie to elude the the trammels of convention. Successfully doing so doesn't require exaggerations of conduct or oddities of dress that are alien to your temperament and your upbringing. Not at all. All you have to do, Ken, is to find your force. You have it, I know you have it--it is immobilized only by the newness of the predicament. If you want to live intelligently beyond the blackmail of the slogans and the unexamined rules, you have only to find your own...' Et cetera, et cetera. The Declaration of Independence. The Bill of Rights. The Gettysburg Address. The Emancipation Proclamation. The Fourteenth Amendment. All three of the Civil War amendments...

I know all the objections that a pure and moral young man can give to claiming personal sovereignty. I know all the admirable labels to attach to not asserting one's sovereignty. Well, Kenny's difficulty is that he must be admirable whatever the cost. He lives in fear of a woman telling him he's not. "Selfish" is the word that cripples him. You selfish bastard. He's terrified of that judgment, so that's the judgment that rules."

don't let it happen to you...

...gala posts an inspiring quote today, what its really all about...

Ryan Holiday's food for thought...

"Here's the thing, I could make that all into some dramatic story - like it was this harrowing experience that stays with me - but to be frank, I have almost no recollection of that time...Narration conveniently ignores the day we laid around and watched tv and the week where we were sure we were going to quit but didn't. It's just not honest...We are wired to think a certain way - linearly, towards purpose, in terms of justification..I don't think it's a fight you can win on your own - it takes people on both sides, cynical and optimistic to keep you centered."


please click and read and THINK.