media criticism...

...i tend to agree with or find interesting...

Television

"In the 1960s, George Gerber studied the behavior of heavy television watchers and found that the more TV a person watches, the more restricted and homogenized his opinions, beliefs, and thinking become....called the Cultivation Theory, ultimately implies that TV makes us less and less adaptive to the shifting complexity of real life. Individuality, spontaneity, and creativity diminish...
Television doesn't nurture new ideas or creative and critical thinking, it encourages uniformity and conformity. Television has also evolved into one of the two technological touch points for a lifestyle dedicated to the pursuit of is-ness -- a retreat away from the life of the mind and striving, toward a more or less static comtemplation of the pure sensation of being...neverending stream of passive entertainments, frequently supplied by electronic and digital media...[T]he common practice of watching three hours of television each evening, is simply a side effect of fatigue and stress, some people say. To the extent that elite groups of thinkers and inventors are able to pick up the slack, is-ness may not induce any serious near-term decline in the country's creativity, productivity, or standard of living...But the pursuit of is-ness as an end in itself, as opposed to the pursuit of happiness, is also having an adverse effect on the health of Americans...
Americans expend nine times as many minutes watching television as they do on sports or any other leisure-time physical activity, according to a group of University of California researchers...watching TV is also displacing reading, conversation, and other pursuits needed for the growth of good critical- and creative-thinking skills...Knowledge begets curiosity, interest, and involvement..."

Music and Computers

"The correlation of the growth of computers and sound-producing technology with an apparent decline in the quality of music could simply be the result of kids' preferring to play video games rather than spend weeks mucking around in a van playing one-night stands. On the other hand, the correlation could be coincidental. There could be other factors contributing to decay in musical creativity, for example, fewer venues for young musicians to play gigs. At the least, however, the trend is a cautionary tale about the potential pitfalls of the computer..."We never expected the computer to replace thought."...
...Researchers at the University of Munich surveyed 175,000 fifteen-year-olds from thirty-one countries, discovering that math and reading scores were significantly lower in households with two or more computers, compared to those with one or no computers [somehow I feel that the US could potentially have contradicted this finding?!?]...
I also feel there's no more reason to hector intelligent, self-aware people about spending too much time of the computer than there is to harangue people about watching too much television or drinking too much. It's common sense, really. A little parental (and self-) vigilance and the budding problem(s) vanish immediately...I am as easily distracted to start walking down that cyber highway as anyone. But perhaps I'm fortunate to also have a built-in alarm system, an instinct to seek the yin when I've had to much yang ( ;) )I do not know why I have this particular alarm system, and it is far from perfect in bringing perfection into my life, as I frequently invoke free will to flatly ignore it. I do know when I've been logged on too long, however. I know when I have to talk to people...I definitely do not even want to think about a world without computers...act on the awareness (of the adverse consequences that an obsessively virtual lifestyle will have on critical thinking)."

-Michael LeGault, Th!nk

oneword

musical
magicfull
amorable
wondermazing

kneeweakening
repeakening
breathtaker
daymaker

i try but really...
this is, in one word,
wordless.

hibernation...

"There is no need to remain warm for twenty-four hours. That would be tiring. One needs a little rest. When you are cold, the energy is moving inward; when you are warm, the energy is moving outward. Of course, other people would like you always to be warm, because then your energy moves toward them. When you are cold, your energy is not moving toward them, so they feel offended. They will tell you that you are cold. But it is for you to decide.
In those cold moments you hibernate, you go within your being. Those are meditative moments. So this is my suggestion -- when you feel cold, close the doors from relationships and moving with people. Feeling that you are cold, go home and meditate. That is the right moment to meditate. With energy itself moving in, you can ride on it and go to the very innermost core of your being. There will be no fight. You can simply move with the current. And when you are feeling warm, move out. Forget all about meditation. Be loving. Use both states, and don't worry about it."

Osho, excerpt from Everyday Osho

...wishing I had seen this right after the holidays, though glad to know i've been true to it lately, before reading it...

OpenstandingHonesty

Watch as the idealist locutioneers prove it can be done
*************************************************
"You have to unburden yourself of all the theories, hypothesizes, philosophies, and ideologies that you have learned. The process of achieving the truth is a process of unlearning, it is a process of unconditioning...
When one can just watch without any judgment interfering, without any old ideas coming in, then truth is revealed. And the miracle is that it does not come from somewhere else to you, it does not descend from above; it is found within you -- it is your intrinsic nature. It is really a great revelation to know truth, because you are it and you have never lost it -- even for a single moment. You have always been it...
"Just create more and more understanding. That's what lovers miss: They have enough love, but understanding, none, none at all...Love cannot live without understanding. Alone, love is very foolish; with understanding, love can live a long life, a great life -- of many joys shared, of many beautiful moments shared, of great poetic experiences. But that only happens through understanding.
"...love accepts you. It makes no demands on you. Love does not say, "Be this, be that." Love simply says, "Be yourself. You are good as you are. You are beautiful as you are." Love accepts you. Suddenly you start dropping your ideals, "shoulds," personalities. You drop your old skin...love makes people young...Love can be the right situation in which to drop all conditioning. Love is an unconditioning. It simply takes away old patterns and does not give you new ones. If it gives you new ones, it is not love, but politics."
-Osho, excerpts from Everyday Osho

"Risk is there. If you become true, nobody knows whether this relationship will be capable of understanding truth, authenticity; whether this relationship will be strong enough to stand in the storm. There is risk, and because of it, people remain very guarded. They say things which should be said; they do things which should be done. Love becomes more or less like a duty...For the miracle to happen you will have to do something, and that is start being true, at the risk that maybe the relationship is not strong enough and may not be able to bear it. The truth may be too much, unbearable, but then that relationship is not worthwhile. So that test has to be passed. Once you are true, everything else becomes possible..So don't be afraid, go into it. If the relationship survives truth, it will be beautiful. If it dies, then too it is good because one false relationship has ended, and now you will be more capable of moving into another relationship -- truer, more solid, more concerning the essence."

-Osho, "Being in Love..."

********************************************
still rewriting this dictionary...

more th!nking...

"'It doesn't matter how intelligent you are if you don't use your brain...'
...Rigidly held views can short-circuit the thinking...
More and more, large numbers of people substitute PC views, hard-line political ideology, or cultish balderdash for hard-won knowledge and flexible, powerful reasoning and problem-solving skills. Some bias or ideology is inevitable of course. Everyone needs beliefs and a working value system not only to make it through the day, but as a necessary part of the mental apparatus to form and test thoughts. To paraphrase an old wisdom, the only way to be completely without prejudice or bias is to be completely indifferent, or completely ignorant. The uniqueness of our individual genes and experiences predisposes us to a certain outlook or attitude...
...In American society, business, and government, time and time again, we see signs of the same stubborn, hard-headed approach-stake out a position and by God stand by it, come hell or high water. Do not waffle or shift, even when new information demands reevaluation. Change is a sign of backtracking, which is a sign of weakness. But how weak or ineffectual is it to change when the very world we live in changes by the day, the hour, the minute, and the access to information recording that change is instantaneous? Strategy can be the same, but in a world of continual flux and recalibration, thinking and tactics need to be fluid, adaptive...
...Politics, which is just the relationship between people and power, cannot be an end in itself. Unless a democratic society has a shared theme, there is no starting point for dialogue and understanding...That theme must be reason based on empirical evidence, an idea that transcends race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, or income. Reason is by its very nature tolerant and inclusive. Reason admits mistakes. Reason takes in new data. Reason builds and learns and adapts. Reason goes by results."
Michael R LeGault, "Th!nk"

Palmyra

The first five minutes of Edgar Meyer's Palmyra follows the drain
where am i?
physically?
staring at my ceiling.
might as well be the stars
the planets
the (non existent) heavens
what matters not is where i am
but how very insignificant...
though that matters not as well.
where am i?
simply retreating?
possibly.
music and these thoughts
all that matter(s)
not.

music

music is the only

buddha said...

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. - Buddha

wraparound

your name
wrapped around
...my tongue...
wrapped around
your name

my brain
tossing around
...these ideas...
tossing around
my brain

my sheets
sliding around
...my hips...
sliding around
my sheets

flashback
nowback
myback
almanac
back up
do it again
all over
all over
all over?
again.

Hold 'Em... 9:47 a.m. - Sunday, Jul. 15

"I'm feeling pretty good about it though"
"Well I'm feeling GREAT"
quickly reply, "Ok, great, yea! I call your great"
"I'm going to go out there and say Amazing"
"Ooh amazing scares me"
"Not going to fold are you?"
"Nah...I call your Amazing...Wanna see what you've got..."

Wednesday, Jan. 23rd...hands on the table, cards spread, reveals both held a royal flush...

win win win

For me...

For me, its not about living according to someone else's definition of what ensures happiness or prevents the lack thereof.

I am the only one who can define what it is that will make me happy.

For me, I'm not looking to encapsulate all of my views, stances, and philosophies through the voice of some previously established philosophy or religion.

I am the only one who can define what it is that will be my philosophy. And those who choose to simply listen rather than critically think upon and challenge an idea before adapting it to themselves are missing out on the fun and also the benefit of someone having done part of the work for you already.

For me, I'm not looking to figure it all out and live by it.

I realize it is a constant work in progress, changed every day by new experiences, discoveries, and realizations.

I realize that what I pronounce now, today, as the best way to live, is simply the best way to live today, as now is all that is real, and I am open to rethinking and restructuring this when my priorities, needs, and paths to happiness change.

If I say I agree with a quote, an author, a leader, I agree based on my experiences which have gotten me to this point, my thoughts, my mental schema, which no one but me fully shares. I need not declare to the world in a permanent sense that my ways and beliefs are best. I simply put them out there as what works for me and one might consider whether or not these things could work for them, filter it through their body of experience, and take the pieces that are applicable.

And I can confidently say at this point that these conclusions have been reached through conscious awareness, meditation, and thought, as well as pure proof of positive results.

And if someone doesn't agree, there is no need to find what is right. Each person has what is right for him or her, and can accept certain truths only as much as they are truth for that individual. Common ground is never and should never be seen as a solid foundation when its made up of different and possibly non-lithifying elements of understanding. If we seem to agree, know there will always be varying degrees to how certain this agreement is, because you and I will always be two different people. (And that's NOT to say we should never get into discussion about the ways in which we disagree...thats how progress and learning are best made and found, certainly!...but respectful questioning if there is lack of understanding and confrontational challenging are two entirely different things, one of which is worthy of response, and the other only worthy of reconsideration of the relationship with and issues of the inquisitor.)

And thats perfectly ok... to agree to disagree and to come from different places with resulting different thoughts...and something that creates the unlimited potential within man's ability to think and discover new thoughts.

somewhere over the rainbow...

This morning when I awoke, the map on my wall had rainbows projected onto it from a cd on my nearby desk. I tried to upload the pictures here, but blogger is [dysfunctional]* this morning. The rainbows started in Kansas.

a year in admission

lashes tripping
over dripping dreams
brain on sabbatical
cheek softly surrendered
shoulder sweetly squared
strong still beautiful
sprigs of strands
torrents of thoughts
though incoherent
still of ingenuity
culled of clever crop
simple still sleep
simpler still: beauty
simply still, love

anti-intellectual america

"...Mark Crispin Miller suggests the ascendancy of George W Bush and the Republicans can be accounted for by relentless pandering to the anti-intellectual undercurrent of American civic culture. Miller cites this quotation from Fox News chairman Roger Ailes: "What people deeply resent out there are those in the 'blue' states thinking they're smarter." In other words, many in red states are simply casting their vote against intellectual elitism. Miller's purpose in quoting Ailes is to support the claim that Democrats are smarter, and therefore are less electable in certain areas of the country. Yet the remark, carefully considered, and the evidence actually imply something entirely different. If the most significant political fault line in this country is formed around a gut-level dislike of elitist eggheads, the way swing votes swing probably has little to do with ideology, political stripe, or even bottom-line intelligence. A successful American politician must first and foremost project a non-egghead persona. He must simply connect with the public. Bill Clinton and George W Bush win, Bob Dole, Al Gore, and John Kerry lose."
-Michael R LeGault, "Th!nk"

more of the same, i know, but...

"A person who is centered in his aloneness, complete in himself...only that person can make friends because now it is no longer a need, it is just sharing...
And when you share, there is no question of clinging. You flow with existence, you flow with life's change, because it doesn't matter with whom you share...it is simply out of your fullness that you want to give...And giving is such a joy...sharing makes you more centered, more integrated, more proud - but not more egotistic...it is not ego; it is a totally different phenomenon, a recognition that existence has allowed you something for which millions of people are trying but at the wrong door. You happen to be at the right door...
You are proud of your blissfulness and all that existence has given you. Fear disappears, darkness disappears, the pain disappears...You can love a person, and if the person loves somebody else there will not be any jealousy, because you loved out of so much joy. It was not a clinging, you were not holding the other person in prison. You were not worried that the other person may slip out of your hands, that somebody else may start having a love affair. When you are sharing your joy, you don't create a prison for anybody. You simply give. You don't even expect gratitude or thankfulness because you are not giving to get anything, not even gratitude. You are giving because you are so full you have to give....

...If you really love the person you will give him or her absolute freedom - that's a gift of love. And when there is freedom, love responds tremendously. When you give freedom to somebody you have given the greatest gift, and love comes rushing towards you...

Love is a basic need, as basic as freedom, so both have to be fulfilled. And a person who is full of love AND free is the most beautiful phenomenon in the world. And when two persons of such beauty meet, their relationship is not a relationship at all. It is a relating. It is a constant, riverlike flow. It is continuously growing towards greater heights.
The ultimate height of love and freedom is the experience of the divine. In it you will find both tremendous love, absolute love, and absolute freedom."

-Osho, Being in Love

is that a challenge??

"Loneliness and aloneness in the dictionaries are synonymous, but existence does not follow your dictionaries. And nobody has yet tried to make an existential dictionary which will not be contradictory to existence"
-Osho, Being in Love

I'm workin' on it, Osho, I'm workin' on it...

3rd of more...

"...the future man, who will respect the woman as equal to himself, who will give opportunity for her growth as he takes opportunity for his own growth. And there will not be any kind of bondage. If two persons can live in love their whole life, nobody is going to disturb them...Love should be an absolute act of freedom..."

2nd of many...

"Even love is secondary to freedom; freedom is the highest value. Love can be sacrificed for freedom, but freedom cannot be sacrificed for love. And that's what we have been doing for centuries, sacrificing freedom for love. Then there is antagonism, conflict, and every opportunity is used to hurt each other.
Love in its purest form is a sharing of joy...Your joy is to give, not to get. Then one can love from thousands of miles away; there is no need even to be physically present...
...If the wife is dependent on the husband...then she will try to make the husband dependent on her for other things. It is a mutual arrangement. They both become crippled...paralyzed; they cannot exist without each other. Even the idea that the husband was happy without the wife hurts her, that he was laughing with the guys in the club hurts her. She is not interested in his happiness; in fact she cannot believe it: "How did he dare to be happy without me? He has to depend on me!"
The husband does not feel good that the wife was laughing with somebody, was enjoying, was cheerful. He wants all her cheerfulness to be totally possessed by him; it is his property..."

this band IS love

http://www.railroadearth.com/rre/home_page.do



and is making me fall in love with the world right now...

*************************************************

railroad earth
through this railroad earth
for whatever it's worth
singin' songs & stayin' high

& you know i'll be
where my heart feels free
& my thoughts are free to fly

oh mama, please don't make me lie
i need my freedom, need my open sky

in yer socks & shirt & yer bed of dirt
with the midnight moon on high
& you know i've been
where the midnight wind
makes the soul & spirit cry

oh mama, please don't ask me why
i need my freedom
i need my open sky

through this railroad earth
for whatever it's worth
gettin' ' long & gettin' by
& you know i miss
every single kiss
as the years go rollin' by

oh mama, aint it good to be alive
when you're mountain-top
& feelin' high

oh mama, aint it good to be alive
when you're down & rollin'
free to ride

oh mama, please don't make me lie

its a game, he tells me

frustrated at work today, being told not to think and to, in essence, just do as i'm told and pin the blame on the decision maker if need be, without regard to the very principle of the decision at hand, and then i open up my book tonight, picking up where i left off, to this:

"Faulty thinking is a result of two distinct but interwoven factors - the inability to think critically and a lack of will or power to do so may be lacking or formally restricted. For example, critical and creative thinking at the level of a large organization, say a corporation, university, or government department, is most often a result of a collective will or consensus. There may be good analytical or critical thinkers in the organization, but their opinions can often be stifled. Thus, we must also be aware of the role played by institutionalized censorship of truth, ideas, and ingenuity in the social patterns we may take to be the direct evidence of declining thinking skills...
I propose that modern America has evolved into a complex bureaucracy increasingly preoccupied with mastering rules and staying out of trouble, rather than one engaged by knowledge, progress, truth-seeking, and clear, innovative, analytical thinking..."

Michael R LeGault, "Th!nk"

ps i'll say it again as i did to my office mate when i hung up the phone, 'that man is my sanity, i swear to god'

flow through you

"Love comes like a fresh, fragrant breeze into your home, fills it with freshness and fragrance, remains as long as existence allows it, and then moves out. You should not try to close all your doors, or the same fresh breeze will become absolutely stale. In life, everything is changing and change is beautiful; it gives you more and more experience, more and more awareness, more and more maturity"


"By the time you are ready to explore the world of love, you are filled with so much rubbish about love that there is not much hope for you to be able to find the authentic and discard the false...For example, every child everywhere has been told in a thousand and one ways that love is eternal: once you love a person you love the person always. If you love a person and later on you feel that you don't love, it only means you never loved the person in the first place. Now this is a very dangerous idea. It is giving you and idea of a permanent love and in life nothing is permanent. The flowers blossom in the morning and by the evening they are gone...
It is possible that if you are enlightened your love has gone beyond the ordinary laws of life. It is neither changing nor permanent; it simply is. It is no more a question of how to love; you have become love itself, so whatever you do is loving...But before enlightenment you love is going to be the same as everything else; it will change...For a lighter life, for a more playful life, you need to be flexible. You have to remember that freedom is the highest value and if love is not giving you freedom then it is not love. Freedom is a criterion: anything that gives you freedom is right, and anything that destroys your freedom is wrong. If you can remember this small criterion your life, slowly, will start settling on the right path about everything: your relationships, your meditations, your creativity, whatever you are."

-Osho, 'Being in Love'

this low

We made a plan that was subject to change
So whatever was it works out we both get the blame
In the arms of this low
And you took the wind right out of my sails
By sweating me out on all the little details
In the arms of this low
In the arms of this low

So thread the light
So thread the light

We made a choice and we knew we would pay
For stealing the joy and trying to escape
From the arms of this low
And if by some chance you break from the pack
You know I'll be waiting to welcome you back
Into the arms of this low
In the arms of this low

Thread the light,
Thread the light,
Thread the light,
Thread the light,
Shine the light,
Don't hide the light,
Live the light,
And give the light,
Seek the light,
And speak the light,
Crave the light, and brave the light,
Stare the light,
And share the light,
Show the light,
And know the light,
Raise the light,
And praise the light,
Thread the light,
And spread the light.

-Glen Hansard

lovely indeed...

if there were suitable words,
they would be here.
until then,
*siiiigh**smile*

...what a difference a day makes...

marriage

my problem with and aversion to marriage is its assumption and promise of permanence which contradicts some core beliefs for me. does this mean i shouldn't marry and shouldn't believe in it?
i know it means my vows will include nothing of undying love and the inability to go on without the other person.

...to me, throughout a person's life, they are learning, changing, and growing. priorities change, needs change, so why shouldn't it stand that attraction and desires change? if the idea of marriage is that it is somehow beautiful to pledge that you won't change, then i could never be on board with that. if it is the idea that even if i change or you change and one of us wants other things, we will stand by each other because we promised, thats no good either; that sounds like prison! whats beautiful about such blind loyalty? i just don't see it. if you want something or someone else, if that can make you happier, then i love you and want you to have that! and how can i say now what i'll want for the rest of my life now? or ok, maybe i'm not ready to say that now, but i don't to ever be able to say i've got it all figured out... and how can i expect someone else to? i don't want to keep you bonded to me just because *i* still love *you* if you would be happier elsewhere.

do your questions get answered and then you know you found the right person? i know some people never question, and just get married. but some people do, and still get married...do they just suspend their concerns and hope for the best? i mean thats the idea...you go into marriage thinking it will work or why would you, right? but the way I live my life is always to leave room for uncertainty, never assuming the permanence of anything, because all things are transient. if I leave room for this kind of freedom, it mutually excludes faith in the permanence of my vows and implies that i think marriage could fail and love could end. so it seems contradictory for me to ever marry. is marriage just two people saying "right now, it seems as though there is and will be no one better for me so I can commit to you for now?" still a beautiful thing, still something rare to think that you've found 100% of what you want in another person, that you can no longer say "maybe there is something better out there..." I suppose, but I feel as though marriage should somehow be more certain than that, more sacred.

maybe the idea is finding the person you are most likely to change and grow the most correspondingly with? the idea that you are most likely to develop the same dreams, have your lives go in the same direction, so its safe to go together? but then what is that? that sounds like picking the best odds of success, or picking the safe road or something... that sounds like finding who things are most convenient with or something, not real love in all cases, just what will work? or is that how love continues to grow...when you both grow together in the same garden, under the same sun, two independently standing and different flowers?

maybe, the thing that ensures longevity and potential permanence in the marriage is the idea that you allow, encourage and understand growth and change in the other person, but to find the kind of person who really lives truthfully to this is nearly impossible. but who wants to know of permanence anyway? certainty breeds taking each other for granted which is the seed of discontent and the beginning of the end in love, since one of its most important ingredients, along with honest and communication, is appreciation. notice i didn't say trust...trust is contingent upon honesty. i'm not going to blindly trust you because I'm married to you, you have to keep building cred by always being honest, whether it hurts me or not, half the healing to that pain will be the fact that you were honest and that i could trust you and that you feel safe that i am understanding enough that you CAN be honest.

my conclusion, just realizing, after valuable, thought provoking conversation, is that the answer is simply like the answer to all else...freedom and happiness first, and love will follow. and because I choose and make my reality what I want it to be, my marriage, if there ever is one, can be lived by the same rules as my relationships...love until the happiness and freedom are no more...then set each other free to go find it however you can.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each others cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous but let each one of you be alone.
Even as the strings of the lute are alone but they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts but not into each others keeping
For only the hand of life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each others shadow
-Kahlil Gibran

Railroad Earth...

...does a beautiful job with this Waterboys tune...
Fisherman's Blues
I wish I was a fisherman
tumblin' on the seas
far away from dry land
and it's bitter memories
castin' out my sweet line
with abandonment and love
no ceiling bearin' down on me
save the starry sky above
with light in my head
with you in my arms...
i wish i was the brakeman
on a hurdlin' fevered train
crashin' head long into the heartland
like a cannon in the rain
with the feelin' of the sleepers
and the burnin' of the coal
countin' the towns flashin' by
and a night that's full of soul
with light in my head
with you in my arms...

And I know I will be loosened
from the bonds that hold me fast
and the chains all around me
will fall away at last
and on that grand and fateful day
I will take thee in my hand
I will ride on a train
I will be the fisherman
With light in my head
You in my arms...

Light in my head
You in my arms...

Light in my head
You...

With light in my head
You in my arms...

don't know why...

...am I not as strong as I thought or is this just *that* hard?
or perhaps, instead of trying to be strong, i'm just letting myself feel.
sarcastic thanks to the princes of darkness who brought this idea to my happy place.
(ok, ok, i'll take back sarcastic)

10,000 Songs of Quality

The (symbolic) countdown to 10,000:

10. Mose Alison: Blueberry Hill
9. Maynard Ferguson: But Beautiful
8. Gidon Kremer: Post Scriptum 1. Largo - Allegro - Allegretto
7. Pat Metheny: New Chautauqua
6. Giant Panda Guerilla Dub Squad: Burkina Faso
5. Railroad Earth: Butterfly and the Tree
4. Railroad Earth: Real Love
3. Tool: 10,000 Days (Wings Part 2)
2. Sugarhill Gang: Apache
1. Kansas: Carry On Wayward Son
10,001: Final Fantasy: A Moment's Rest (precisely what I need)

Yes, the Season without Reason. no ?...period (.)

http://sayitaintpete.blogspot.com/2008/01/season-without-reason.html

On Saturday, my friend and I toasted, with sham-pahg-nah, to the upcoming Season Without Reason
Why do we need to holidays to find happiness and to celebrate life?
Here are the things I will be celebrating:
1. A Railroad Earth show AT MEXICALI BLUES on Feb 1st
2. A leap year! Extra day to make the best of each "found" moment of time
3. some special firsts
4. midnight diner runs
5. time to read all my books!
6. intelligent conversation
7. new friends!
8. free thinking
9. known knowns
10. known unknowns
11. not so much unknown unknowns, because, clearly I don't know them, though I will be celebrating the idea that I don't YET know and I don't WANT to know.
12. lovely lovers
13. musical addictions
14. snow days for scrabbling and all that new music!
15. "fests" of all sorts
16. renewed faith in judgement
17. 10,000 songs on the MacBook Pro!!

Addiction

addiction (-dkshn)

1. A physical or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, such as a drug or alcohol. In physical addiction, the body adapts to the substance being used and gradually requires increased amounts to reproduce the effects originally produced by smaller doses. See more at withdrawal.

2. A habitual or compulsive involvement in an activity, such as gambling.
www.thefreedictionary.com

The term 'addiction' was used to describe a devotion, attachment, dedication, inclination, etc.
The word addiction is also sometimes used colloquially to refer to something for which a person has a passion.
http://en.wikipedia.org

one addiction i can allow myself: music.

i know there is a dependency for sure. (how was dependency not used in any of those definitions!?!) i know i could not live without it. miserable upon awakening this morning, but almost all was healed by Jaime Cullum, King Curtis, Art Blakey, Railroad Earth, and Widespread Panic. god knows it wasn't the traffic and it sure as hell wasn't knowing i have to work extra hours today and tomorrow.

one can only hope...

...this too shall pass

talking in circles...

...very frustrated, feeling helpless, feeling lost, but I know its a mood, a phase, a hormone swing and I hate knowing that because it makes me seem all that much less in control, and all that much smaller. if its all just science, and i'm just some organism acting it out, whats the point of the feelings, and then why can't I stop? feel so silly and self indulgent to even write this but I don't know how else to shake it out of my system or start to work through it...
thankful for the music and the wise native american who is getting me through this morning at least...

i'll say it again

"love ain't the answer
nor is work
the truth alludes me
so much it hurts"

crazy whirlwind of the holidays is officially over
once again, its just me, myself, and i
getting to know those two again again
phew.
while most of my vacation was fun and games
i did learn a few things
about different people
with hidden agendas
all you have is yourself.